random chatter: everyday i'm hustlin'

1. these last few days have been at once hectic and enlightening and emotional and empowering. i made a lot of decisions, some i'm happy with, others i'm a bit regretful of. but i'm too much thinker-feeler. not enough doer. so i have to keep moving. stay on the path. the momentum's back, but it's got me seeing things as they relate to reality. no flying high on grand faith and feeling. i'm going to make these dreams of mine real life. this year has to be the year. i can't see the possibilities outside of my goals. this plan has to work. there is no plan b.

2. in the last week, i've auditioned like mad. i went ahead and crashed that cirque audition. for all my nervousness, i wasn't asked a thing. i was cut right away, but they have my things now. i'm hoping to go to their march audition in toronto. i haven't heard from ase yet *crossing fingers*, but i went out for another company inspirit dance based in brooklyn, which i landed. i have my first rehearsal this weekend. go me!

3. i discovered something a few days ago. my life was in perfect order when i was a disciplined student of dance. when i was taking class religiously and even with the stress of school and work, i got it done. i feel overwhelmed and just a step behind myself. so i'm getting back to it. i have to be dancing everyday, as exercise, as education, as reward, as work, as pay, as release.

4. i'm going to youngstown, oh at the end of the month. to judge a dance competition. as a kid, my local dance studio was way too avant garde for the competition scene, so i don't know the first thing about the competitive dance world. the stereotypes i have of these sort of events include underdressed, terribly trained preteen divas and the egomaniacal stage-momzillas who enable them. there will probably be a lot of bad dancing. a lot of glitter and neon lycra. but the pay is good and the organizers are covering for my flight, hotel room and meals, so i'm down!.

this covers my outta the city resolution for february. i was getting worried because my dc plans got tripped up... flaky people are the worst.

phil's from youngstown. le sigh.

5. i had my teacher training midterm last week. i stressed over it so much i wasn't sleeping! i had to create a lesson plan to present to the class. in the end, my teachers and my classmates loved my work. the comments and feedback i received were so rewarding! work hard, be successful.

6. i stood up to the two bullies in my life last week. on a whim in both the instances. i don't generally like confrontation, but i hate being treated like less than. one instance backfired and may cost me a mutual friend and a regular gig, and though there may have been other ways i could have handled it, i think the result could have happened no other way... c'est la vie. the other instance has laid the groundwork for every step i'll take from now on--most importantly, the ones to and out the door.

7. i told my boss that if i get a touring gig, i'd take it and wouldn't look back. i'll have been working there 6 years on my birthday this summer. that's much longer than i wanted. i'm ready to go. i'm waiting patiently for my escape plan to materialize. *geevus take the wheeeel!*

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Guide to Fresher Lettuce: 2009 Edition

1. Bonne Année, Bonne Santé! I'm feeling 180° from where I was just a few days ago. The new year brought an incredible momentum that I pray won't evaporate. It feels so good to feel motivated towards an ultimate goal. I'm very excited about this year and as a matter of fact I'm quite proud of all that I accomplished in 2008. I had to sit and remind myself that while it might feel like my drive waned toward the end of the year, all that I'm doing is moving me in the right direction. I can be assured of that. I was recently approached with a request to teach abroad. While I'm not totally confident in my experience, this will only be a rung on my ladder, for better or worse. I just need to stay focused and get a press kit together, most importantly a performance/choreography reel. More on that soon.

2. I spent my first New Year's Eve out this year. I shelled out $30 for the AfroPunk/Coup D'etat Brooklyn Punk N' Paint Party. It was in a loft in Soho with some of the scene's well known live painters lining the walls and Dante's Fried Chicken providing the grub. I rolled solo, and while I generally avoid drinking when I'm not around people I trust, I wanted to throw my inhibitions out with 2008. I happily took advantage of the open bar and the cheap drink tickets and quickly went from nice to inebriated by 1am. I left not long after that, sliding all the way down the steep staircase from the 4th floor walkup, not feeling confident enough in my really high, slightly loose pumps to make down upright. I did manage to snag a number before I stumbled out. Go me. The three-plus-hour trip home was cold and frustrating and my bed couldn't have been more welcoming when I finally got to it. I'm proud of myself for going out alone and having a blast alone and having the good sense to make it home alone and in one piece. I let myself get discouraged sometimes, especially when I'm feeling tired. I want to be more social and this is how I have to make it happen. *pats self on the back*

3. I somehow never got around to making a list of resolutions in 2008 and I feel okay with that because I didn't put pressure on myself to get shit done. I just jumped at opportunities and was patient with the outcomes. This year, I'm going to be more proactive, however, and go a even further than just a list of resolutions. This year's Guide to Fresher Lettuce is a list of predictions. Inspired by this post, these are the moves I'm making in '09, no pressure, simply presence:

1. I will travel outside of New York once a month, exploring US cities through the spring and finally making my way to Europe this summer. I've already contacted former students overseas and friends in the States for advice and places to rest my head. I've gotten affirmative responses from everyone, further solidifying the accuracy of this prophecy!

2. I will set the foundation for being a self-employed Certified Pilates Instructor/Teaching Artist/Performer/Choreographer in 2009. I will develop a brand name, market myself, educate myself and make a comfortable living as an artist. 2009 will be the year I more match my salary currently sitting on my bum, as an artist.

3. I will immerse myself in the young art scene that in 2008 I so longed to be a part of. In 2009, I will have made a name for myself worthy of the interest of the powers that be.

4. In 2009, I will teach and land a performing job overseas.

5. Love will take a backseat to my career in 2009, saving me the distraction and heartache I suffered in 2008.

Here's to maintaining momentum in '09.
Cheers!

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Ten Guilty Pleasures

10. surprise kisses
9. one too many pumpkin spice muffins
8. crushing on boys i'll never have the guts to get with
7. not shaving
6. wiki surfing on the clock
5. half humming lyrics to foreign language pop songs
4. running away
3. laughing at the cool kids
2. hitting on lesbians
1. spending whole days in bed

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On: The End & New Beginnings

1. I have a confession. When I came home from the opera, I did see Phil. Not very many times. A lot has happened in the last few months and I wasn't really motivated to fight him for his time. But now it's ended. I cried at work yesterday. I surprised myself. I cried because I was sad that after two years of whatever it was we had, I have nothing to show for it but a really harsh lesson. I was never in love. He never wanted more than my ass. And now it's over.

2. I passed my Pilates Final this week. I'm planning to complete my hours by late March and April's Orientation at the Studio will be my last. I'm 224 hours away from my new path!

3. I started a Dance Education Training course a couple of weeks back. It's been really great so far, quite enlightening actually. What I'm learning in the class each week, I've been applying to my TA gig with the Studio's Children & Teen Modern classes. I hoping that at the end of this course, I'll be prepared to teach in the city school system, in arts-in-ed programs, or in after school programs. The course ends in May. I banking on landing a sub or part-time gig at a school for September.

4. Tonight's date didn't happen. He had trouble with his car. I'm trying not to be superstitious about it. We rescheduled for Tuesday.

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random chatter: karma, flying, and even more questions

1. This was a helluva week! Exciting. Exhausting. Frustrating. I'm rundown today. I didn't dance this week and that always puts me in a funky mood, sort of irritated and punchy. I finally exhausted all of my patience with a coworker who's personality tests my buddhahood daily. Everyone tip-toes around her. Even the higher-ups find themselves bowing down to her. This week, I gave up and gave back! And now she and I are not on speaking terms. Bump that! Just one less person to have to say hello to in the morning! Oy! Where does she get off?! Somebody needs to knock that sloppy (sic) off her damn high horse for real. Moving on...

2. That I didn't get Misnomer is starting to wear on me. Not because I really wanted that Company, but because I was so close to my dream. I know it's better this way, because it's even more clear to me that I would not have been a good fit for the Company, but I want to be dancing. And when I'm sitting around not dancing and I have to deal with the uppity fools I work with, I get on edge. So, I'm back on my grind, looking for that next audition, chanting for work and good karma.

3. I visited SLAM (Streb's homebase in Brooklyn) on Wednesday to take a rad trapeze class (pictures coming soon!) and decided not to go for the Streb audition later this month. I'm definitely not strong enough yet to fake my way through the stuff they'll be asking of me. Plus, it'll be a three-day audition that would force me to miss two days of pilates training, a day of work and another audition that I'm a lot more confident about. It doesn't seem like a worthwhile sacrifice. But, lucky me, because there were some technical issues with the trapeze that stopped the class for an hour and even though when all was corrected the crew stayed an hour later to teach the class anyway, I got a free class gift certificate! So I'm going back again in the next week or two. Fun!

4. I haven't seen Phil since June... about three months. He's been hitting me up constantly this last week. I'm pretty much ready to let go. I think he doesn't get that. The rest are starting to fall back... so strange. I think I'm repelling them. Because I don't feel so successful anymore and my cockiness is waning? Maybe.

5. It's hard to see people I danced with growing up or who are my age (or younger) become really successful dancers, while I'm struggling to find my way. I try not to compare because I know each one of us is different, with different strengths and different paths, but it's hard not to be envious. I want to be dancing full-time. I want to be a successful, admired, talked-about performer. So what am I doing? Am I doing it right? Am I making good decisions? These have been some of my rush hour thoughts all week. It's so busy in here!

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random chatter: momentum, callbacks and recalls

Slowly but surely, the tasks on the list you see on your right are being ticked. Many of them are just inches away from my grasp others simply need a block of devoted time that I can foresee sacrificing in the not too distant future. I've never been so close to getting a legitimate full time dance gig with such a beautiful company of dancers and depending on how the planets align themselves in the next few months, I would be confident in setting a goal to be 100% self employed by the year's end, leaving my job to pursue my interest in teaching, train like mad and work on my yoga certification. That's my life in a dream. Beautiful, happy, and coursing at my own pace.

It's funny how the people sit up and notice when it looks like you're approaching your natural momentum. Suddenly, you're magnetic, you're glowing and people see it. You're making moves, following your path, and signs begin revealing themselves, those moves become easier. It's all just over the horizon.

My submissions at UGLY are beginning to pick up. I went in this week to slate me dancing with vacuum to some draggy disco tune... its a commercial for a high end Swiss skincare product. It took all of three minutes and I had so much fun bugging out in for a room full of agents. Ahahah! Anyway, I'm on hold next week to shoot. I hope I land the gig!

My callback for Syren was a disaster, but I'm so clear on what my weaknesses are in terms of my training and talent (picking up ography and movement quality more quickly, partnering) and my mental and emotional state in auditions (dealing with competition, pacing myself). I know what I need to work on. It's a shame I didn't stick the choreo, because I enjoyed the movement... very balletic and delicate, sweeping and musical. I never get to move like that and it was such a treat. Alas... there will be other auditions.

The second callback for Misnomer on Thursday went well. After three hours of choreography, improv, partnering, lifts, and more choreography, my mind and body were spent! In the end, all seven of the dancers who were called back must wait to hear an answer in the next few months. I feel like I shared as much of myself as I was able to in the time I was given and whatever answer the future reveals is not my business until I meet it. I'm optimistic, but I'm being real when I say the competition is stiff. But I don't know what the choreographer is really looking for and I don't know if I'm a match and everything happens for a reason and in any event, my future is still bright.

Then, I spent the night with him... yessir... and it was so lovely. But I'm straight on all that past internal drama. I've no regrets and no sad story to speak of. We enjoyed each other's company. I've known him for two years, a long time to be involved with someone who isn't interested in being involved. I'm for real good on him. It's taken two years to see it, but I'm clear on the relationship that we have and I don't expect to see it through the new year.

Happy Summer Solstice! Here's to another promising six months!

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On: making time, making friends and everything in between

Somehow, though I've made a pact with myself to stop running around and to make more room on my schedule for me, I find myself falling back into my old routine running from A to B to across town for C and not having enough sleep, energy, and motivation to do it all. It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have to negotiate and sacrifice to make my schedule work; having to give up the chance at a really awesome possible gig because I've over committed myself to other mundane low paying and convenient jobs. Oi! I suppose it's better to be too busy than to have lots of time and nothing to fill it with, so this lament is short.

Enough of that...



I got a lot done today. I hung lights for Kim Wayans' solo show A Handsome Woman Retreat that's going up at PS122 as part of the Solo Arts Festival. I had the great luck to watch a recorded version of Eric Lockley's Last Laugh, the other solo show that's on the bill with Ms. Wayans. I'm really excited to see that live and I recommend you all to check it out.



I made myself go to an audition this afternoon, for Syren Modern Dance. I'd watched some of the video on their gallery and I thought the company was worthwhile. I didn't expect to impress because the dances are very technical and I haven't been training the way I would like. I also walked in without having warmed up and with a lot on my mind, so I put it in my head early on in the hour that I wouldn't be kept. But, even in my funky mood and not so stellar performance, I got a callback. Hm! More on that on Thursday. I went instrument shopping this afternoon as well. I invited a drummer friend of mine to teach a music for dancers class at the school this weekend. It'll be good to see him :)

In other news...

I need to make myself a more social person. I need to change up my roster of friends, since many of the people who made up my tight little circle are finding other things (jobs, lovers, babies) to be committed to that are apparently more rewarding (or maybe more binding) than my friendship. SO... yea, I need to get out more and stop rolling solo to shit. I mostly need a crisis defuser these days.

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random chatter: matters of love, looks and mammaries

He finally materialized... out of no where mind you. I can't imagine ever doing that to someone... just up and disappearing. I know I agreed to let it be open, no labels=no disappointments, but it's not working too well for me. I'm so tired of contradicting myself. I want out for good. Now I just need to find the guts to say exactly that, mean it, and be happy with the resolution.

I have a casting on Saturday. Not through UGLY (a *whole* other post), but through Craigslist. I don't know what gave me the idea that I could possibly be a model of any sort. I'm super ordinary and I'm not particularly photogenic, but I like playing dress up and I like the idea of making money without actually doing anything adding any extracurriculars to my already insane schedule. It's for a Brooklyn-based clothing company. The posting said they're looking for "exotic models". I sent my vitals and some photos in, and I got an invitation to the casting. I have no hope of actually landing the gig. I'm not even sure if or how well it pays. But I figure I don't have anything to lose.

Right now I'm tired.

Doctor appointment at 9am tomorrow. I'm seeing the breast specialist. She's going to tell me that I can either take another course of antibiotics or have surgery. It's a dilated duct. I think I'll eventually have to get it removed anyway. I'm sad about that... mostly because I know I've done it t myself.

Bummer indeed.

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random chatter: where have all the good magazine's gone?

I like magazines. I tend to collect them. I was going through my collection when I found a few that are out of print now and I couldn't help but wonder why that's the case. Remember Suede? I bought the first issue with beautiful Alicia Keys on the cover back in 2004 (damn!) and the next two issues after. It was so great to see so many dark skinned beauties on the pages! The hair and makeup advice was actually relevant to a woman of my texture and complexion! And the style of the magazine was young and fresh and I was so happy to get my hands on it each month! Now, though Essence has a long and loyal history among the black media community, I've always found the writing to be sort of uninteresting and the photography to be just plain budget while Suede was on par with fly pubs like TRACE or Vibe. Yes, it's audience was much younger than it's parent pub (Essence), but I wish it were still around, because that Vibe Vixon nonsense just doesn't quit hit it. I miss Suede.

I also miss Russel Simmons' One World magazine. I was first exposed to so much art and music and fashion by flipping through it's pages. I couldn't believe it when I stopped seeing that one on the stand. So sad.

I get annoyed by this 'Go Green!' craze. I feel like it gives people a license to be pretentious and tell you what you need to be doing. It drives me bonkers! Despite that, I find myself picking up GOOD magazine every time I see a new issue on the stands. It's a really well designed and well written publication for, according to it's website, people who give a damn. 100% of its revenue goes to one of the twelve affiliated non-profit organizations chosen by the subscriber and it's printed on recycled paper. It's articles cover topics centered around environmental and socio-economic news. They reach out to several arts collectives and graphic designers to create a different feel for the magazine each issue. It's a great little mag that doesn't annoy me.

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B(ack)logging: befriending creatives, tightening my circle, losing a legend

I've been away. Inconsiderately neglecting my one and one-half readers, off attempting to live a life worth blogging about. I thought to post separate entries for each of the listed items, but then decided against it after seeing the hour. I have many things to share and if I don't get it all down now, it will fall out of my head.

1) I've been meditating on the idea of finding creative compatibility among the people I know -- liking the people with whom I create and creating with people I like.

My sister and I are polar opposites in just about every respect, but the most distinctive difference between us is in the way we relate to others, our approach to relationships. Jessica is a witty, outgoing, smart, beautiful young woman with exotic, yet friendly features, a carefree attitude, and an wholesome belief that all people have at least some goodness, and so she treats them as such until they show they're figurative asses. She's a typical Libra: magnetic, casual, born to be social. Upon first meeting us, you may immediately notice the stark contrast. I am reserved and slow to initiate or alter the pace, direction, or depth of a relationship on any level -- I am an extreme follower in that respect. I need to have a clear understanding of the association and all possible trajectories as early on as possible, because being unsure makes me uneasy. I'm a “cuspian”, cursed with a double helping of shameful insecurities (bah!): Cancer is severely protective of her soft bits and will crawl into her shell until she feels it's safe to come out; Leo is always questioning, doubting, and it's fear (of rejection, humiliation, exposure) that keeps her away from people she can't easily read, or more accurately, people who read her more quickly. To top that, my looks are unremarkable, generic, vaguely African (Nigerian is the popular assumption these days), resembling a visiting cousin of high school friend many years ago, maybe. I think people find me inaccessible, familiar but not memorable.

Anyway, so I have a hard time with relationships, but I've been thinking about how much more well off I'd be in terms of my career, my love life, my general happiness, if I were better at them. Life is about relationships: collecting them, nurturing and maintaining them, letting them go. My life is about creating. Why aren't I more invested in relationships with people who create and inspire for a living? I live for the connection I have with Jessica. Why don't I have more of something close to that?!

2) I have a coworker who I once admired for his boldness against "cultural authorities", his breadth of knowledge, and, in spite of his obvious greatness, his unwavering humility. I wanted him to be my mentor. I wanted to learn from him and absorb his spirit. But then... but then he found Jesus and lost his damn mind. As it turns out, he's miles away from humble, obscenely arrogant actually, and far from saved. And he's a pathological liar who won't own up to his wrong doings! He condescends and then rants about lack of support from his peers. I have no need for him in my life.

As of this moment, I'm done with that man too.


3) Once, this guy asked me out on MySpace. He brought me to a swank vegan restaurant in the Village and then to SOBs to see Lucky Dube. He was doing all the right things: very gentlemanly, lots of compliments. But, to be honest, he lost me at “hello”. I didn’t forget Lucky Dube though – crazy energy, beautiful music, cool crowd. I fell in love instantly. Just a few days ago, the reggae legend was gunned down in front of two of his seven children. Read here

May his music be testimony to his greatness, may he rest in peace.

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On: blessings, praying for karma & a bronze sculpture that perfectly captures my take on my relation to others

1) My sister came home today... hooray! She's the most beautiful person I know and I feel blessed to have the relationship we have. We inspire each other. We encourage each other. We slap sense into each other and laugh and laugh and enjoy each other's company. I love (♥) that cocoa string bean!

2) My boss told me about an author who once said, if your problems can be solved by throwing money at them, they're not very interesting problems [paraphrase]. Now whether or not that negates the weight or validity of any particular problem in the grand scheme of things is debatable, but I sure feel blessed for my experience of life. I like to think that I'm tough enough to take on my own ego and that the more I war with it -- the more I choose to shut down my negative thoughts, to actually be happy and fulfilled, to be the ruler off my emotions, to make my days worthwhile -- the more certain I am that my problems are hardly that! I asked Chizuru to bring me meditation beads and a prayer book. I need to be more vocal about my gratitude. I'm grateful for the way my mother annoys me. I'm grateful for my period. I'm grateful for my aches after ballet class. I'm grateful for my father's bunions. I'm grateful for my 2 hour commute. I'm grateful for my job and my craft and this life that I don't take enough advantage of! I'm grateful because any one of those things could be taken from me in a blink, but this moment right now is mine.

3) I don't want to be a vengeful person. I think jealousy is an exhaustive waste of an emotion that has never done anyone any good ever in the history of the world. I've often pondered the usefulness of jealousy and I've come to the conclusion that it can only get you shot or stabbed. I get angry with myself when I allow my ego to slip into that pool of self-pity... when I let it point fingers and tear down others. And I've come a long way from the old me who would ask "... but why?!" but I still need to learn to let myself lose a fight, to just let a muthafucka go! I also have to remember that karma is real and it works when it needs to. Balance is important and I need to be worried about maintaining my own, and not about trying to upset someone else's.

4) Back to the topic of throwing money at a problem, I gotta figure out a way to get more of it. I'm launching an aggressive campaign/grand scheme to get a lot of money into my bank accounts, like yesterday. More details soon come...

5) Image of the Week: Misunderstanding a Clown

... but at least he sees me (sigh).

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One

I'm posting from the home office of Jane Goldberg in the Tribeca over looking Greenwich Street and the space where the World Trade Center towers once stood. Jane is the Artistic Director of Changing Times Tap Dancing Company, Inc. and my new boss. I'm not a seasoned blogger, but I frequently wrote in journals when I was a fragile teenager.

So this is the next wave huh? And here I am hopping right on this mofo, spilling my thoughts for you all to see, and to relate to and to maybe judge. It's good though. I need to release my demons!

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