On: Questioning my path + Mostly definite answers

So... I had this extra long conversation with a really good friend of mine, an actor, a black actor, coincidentally, who, in light of the dismal economic conditions we're all suffering from, is toying with the idea of quitting the business. As he was lamenting about being broke and losing patience for that 'big break', I began to question my decisions on my own path. Why do I dance (later post)? What do I really want to be doing? Am I really 'a creative'? Or simply not smart enough/too lazy/too stubborn? I haven't questioned myself in some time. I guess I've been busy hustling toward what I think is my dream.

So, on the opening night of this latest gig, after losing my footing and breaking character too many times to consider it a good performance, I am considering what life would look like sans dance. I know, just like I told my actor friend, that this is just a moment of doubt that will pass. And I know that for the first time ever, I've got rehearsals and projects lined up over the next several months. It looks like the beginning success. But the questions are still there. Nagging. Wanting resolution.

I'm having some reservations about Misnomer. I'm really nervous about the whole thing... more so than excited. I'm scheduled to have my first conversation with Chris at some point tomorrow about moving forward with the company, but this afternoon, I had a flash of panic, imagining how a future exchange with him would go when he realizes he's made a grave mistake in hiring me. I think about moments when I've been really close my 'ultimate' (the Urban Bush Women Apprenticeship or AGORA for examples) and had not taken full advantage of those moments. It's so pointless to regret, so I'll stop here and say that my fear is not of success, but of not progression.

Some things I'm mostly sure of:

I want to cut off all communication with PK. It's been two years. A long time to stay in one place.

In September, the Kane School is admitting a class of teacher trainees in September. I've already saved the $900 to do it.

Being 100% self-employed is only steps away.

My 25th year will be the best ever!

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I think I failed to mention...

in my post from this weekend, that I received my gohonzon on Sunday! This is apparently a momentous occasion in the SGI organization. I'm not sure I've completely grasped the magnitude of it. But then again, I'm not really sure what I've gotten myself into either. I came across this website the other day; sort of an idiot's guide to the general gist.

The gohonzon is an object of devotion used in many forms of Japanese Buddhism. The object varies among different Buddhist forms, but the gohonzon given to newcomers to Soka Gakkai (which practices Nichiren's teachings and his particular focus on the Lotus Sutra) is a scroll on which the Lotus Sutra is inscribed in Chinese and Sanskrit characters. It's a beautiful piece of art work. I feel special for having one.


Me, Chizuru, and Tomoko at the SGI Culture Center in Union Square, NYC.
December 30th, 2007

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So far, so good...

I had this really great two and a half hour conversation with my cousin last night. I consider him a male version of my sister and I really value his perspective. We talked about religion and his future plans and my trip. He inspires and supports and he's such a genuinely good hearted young man. I love that cat.

The shop is not doing as well as I'd anticipated at this point. I've sold 5 items. I expected to sell half my shop during the holidays. I guess this is a great lesson on the power of marketing and getting an early start. I plan on keeping the shop open while I'm away, but I'm going to make it very clear that I cannot ship while I'm out of the country. My brand new sewing machine arrives just after I leave but when I return, I'm planning to work on those old church dresses mom's kept all these years. They're all so pretty and in perfect condition; crinoline, lace, and sashes all as pristine as when my sister and I last wore them. They'll make beautiful summer dresses--both sexy and fun. I've already sketched out some ideas. I can't wait to get started on them!

As momentous as this trip could be, I feel like I'm being really casual about the whole thing. I haven't followed up with my non-familiar contacts and I'm not 100% sure what I'll be doing down there. I had it in my head that I would spend the time exploring, taking photos and footage of everything I see. I've become really interested in my mother's voodoo heritage and I hoped that I might be able to see the ceremonies with my own eyes. But after speaking with my cousin, Beverly, who I'll be staying with in Port-au-Prince, I'm doubting the possibility. She and my aunt Michaelle, her mother and the owner of the home/school/mission where I'll be staying when I get to Chambalain, are not supportive of voodoo. My not knowing the language well and being a stranger to the country doesn't really put me a position to go wandering off into the sticks looking for rawkus, gyrating practitioners. My less controversial plan was to go search for Haiti's art. Go to concerts, and galleries, and dance schools, and performances. I don't know where and if this is happening and if I will be privy to experiencing it, but I want to if I am able.

I bought myself a video camera with my sweet end of year bonus! It's pretty rad. Tiny little thing and light as a feather. On sale too. Here's my first test run:

I'm going to create a travel log with all my pictures, footage and journal. Stay tuned. For those of you who are interested, I was lucky enough to come across this blog at www.haitiphotos.com by a South Florida-based photographer. His images are very beautiful and inspiring. I hope that I can capture the spirit of Haiti similarly with my little digicam. It's going to be a wonderful trip.

Happy New Year y'all! Here's to exploration and growth in 2008! Suckaz :P

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attaining a virtue

When there is something really important I need to remember to get done, I will write it somewhere on my hand--less important tasks end up on a to-do list. I want to get the word "patience" tattooed on my hand.

It's been well over a month since I've last posted and so much has happened since, mostly positive: I stood by my word and opened my online vintage shop; I taught two modern Master classes at the studio; I made a lot of money and was able to save a substantial amount of it; my creative juices have been flowing and I feel more in tuned with the Universal Rhythm than I've ever been!

Chizuru invited me to attend an introductory meeting at her temple this afternoon. She is a Buddhist and a member of Soka Gakkai International (SGI). This was my second visit to the temple. I'm always happy to be around Chizuru--she is such a beautiful and inspiring young woman. She embodies so much of what I want to see in myself. It's her patience is what I admire most. Even when someone is nasty to her or she is sad for what ever reason or anything like this, I've never seen her be short with someone or lose her calm, sweet, patient demeanor. She is such a rare and amazing person. What I love so much about her is that with all her beauty, she still knows how to be silly and human.

I want this sort of balance for myself. This idea (and several hundred others) came to mind while I chanted for about an hour over the course of the afternoon. I really struggle with defeating my own ego long enough to let other ideas in.

***SIDE NOTE: My patience is seriously being tested at this very moment. I'm having a conversation with my mother and as usual she finds some way to turn an innocent request for information into an attack on her where she is the victim and I'm the selfish, ungrateful piece of poo. It's takes everything in me to bite my tongue and let her go on and on, jumping from one random unrelated rant to another. I sincerely wish we were better communicators--that we understood each other. The problem is we never talk and when we do, it seems like we make up for it by tossing our individual resentments and struggles into the mix as well. We're starving for that verbal interaction and so we argue to make up for lost time. This argument will remain unresolved and we will continue to live as if there is no tension, until we have to speak to each other again about something. ***

So patience is what I'm chanting for. There are eight days left in this year and I've decided that it's plenty enough time to change my life. I accepted a 7-day challenge this afternoon. I will chant "Nam-myoho-renge-kyo" in the morning and in the evening every day for the next seven days. I will return to SGI to share my experience next weekend. Chizuru has offered to help me by remotely chanting with me the next three days (while the temple is closed for the holiday) and we will meet again on Thursday and Friday at the temple for 7:00 chanting. I believe that I am expected to join, but I'll see how this week goes. I'm always pumped at the beginning of a challenge (Master Cleanse, Yoga Week, jogging schedule, etc.), but my discipline begins to wane soon after. If I become an SGI member before I leave for Haiti, I will continue to chant throughout my journey. I've been connected with an SGI leader who travels to Haiti regularly.

There's so much more to say, but I'm tired now and I would like to go to work in the morning. So good night everyone :)

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Sankofa: Lettuce goes to Haiti

It's finally happening y'all! I've just purchased my flight to Haiti (and at $99 each way -- cause I'm a hustla, kiiid)! I'm finally going to see where I come from, where blood lines run. I can't even begin to express my sheer gratitude and joy for this most important dream to actually become a real! I'm arriving in Port-au-Prince on January 7th and returning to New York on February 2 -- just in time for a new crop of ISVP students and Orientation on the 4th. Gosh! I'm going to meet my people and see my skies and learn my tongue and explore... and hopefully when I return to New York, I'll be a more humble and gracious person; grown and more sharply tuned in to my daily blessings. What I'm especially looking forward to is a bit of spiritual enlightening. I want to return a happier, or at least more fulfilled young lady.


I'm actually doing something I said I was going to do! And what a spectacular way to begin a year. I have to start working on my Idiot's Guide to Fresher Lettuce: 2008 Edition (stay tuned). Stripping down to the bear minimum. No accessories. No labels. No email. Just me and my family and my people and my growth.

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On: blessings, praying for karma & a bronze sculpture that perfectly captures my take on my relation to others

1) My sister came home today... hooray! She's the most beautiful person I know and I feel blessed to have the relationship we have. We inspire each other. We encourage each other. We slap sense into each other and laugh and laugh and enjoy each other's company. I love (♥) that cocoa string bean!

2) My boss told me about an author who once said, if your problems can be solved by throwing money at them, they're not very interesting problems [paraphrase]. Now whether or not that negates the weight or validity of any particular problem in the grand scheme of things is debatable, but I sure feel blessed for my experience of life. I like to think that I'm tough enough to take on my own ego and that the more I war with it -- the more I choose to shut down my negative thoughts, to actually be happy and fulfilled, to be the ruler off my emotions, to make my days worthwhile -- the more certain I am that my problems are hardly that! I asked Chizuru to bring me meditation beads and a prayer book. I need to be more vocal about my gratitude. I'm grateful for the way my mother annoys me. I'm grateful for my period. I'm grateful for my aches after ballet class. I'm grateful for my father's bunions. I'm grateful for my 2 hour commute. I'm grateful for my job and my craft and this life that I don't take enough advantage of! I'm grateful because any one of those things could be taken from me in a blink, but this moment right now is mine.

3) I don't want to be a vengeful person. I think jealousy is an exhaustive waste of an emotion that has never done anyone any good ever in the history of the world. I've often pondered the usefulness of jealousy and I've come to the conclusion that it can only get you shot or stabbed. I get angry with myself when I allow my ego to slip into that pool of self-pity... when I let it point fingers and tear down others. And I've come a long way from the old me who would ask "... but why?!" but I still need to learn to let myself lose a fight, to just let a muthafucka go! I also have to remember that karma is real and it works when it needs to. Balance is important and I need to be worried about maintaining my own, and not about trying to upset someone else's.

4) Back to the topic of throwing money at a problem, I gotta figure out a way to get more of it. I'm launching an aggressive campaign/grand scheme to get a lot of money into my bank accounts, like yesterday. More details soon come...

5) Image of the Week: Misunderstanding a Clown

... but at least he sees me (sigh).

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Meditation #5291 or Equation of a whole me

It's way easier to be a good employee when I have the privilege of a few days off from said employer. I can say I appreciate my position at the school much more when I can separate myself from it. I'm a much happier person when all the major components of my life are tended to. When the creative and the career find a place to coexist, I find that I'm more motivated.

There are, however, elements of me that I have not been able to nurture, particularly my spiritual. I lost my faith in the Christian church shortly after my father died and it wouldn't be totally true to blame my lose of faith on the lose of my father. I think I've come to terms with his passing for the most part. Organized religion and its many denominations isn't attractive to me, but I know that I will find happiness once I've developed a healthy spirit.

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An Idiot's Guide to Fresher Lettuce (2007 Edition)

I made this list back in January. I've been successful at keeping most of the items at the front of my mind since it's inception, but I know my motitvation to complete the tasks will ebb and flow like my mood. They aren't ordered in any particular manner, though the first three items do hold greatest importance to me. I've decided that achieving them wiil have the greatest impact in my emotional well-being.


Properly grieve my father’s death
This fall will mark eight years since his passing, and yet I haven’t been able to rid myself of the secret depression I’ve felt all this time. I remember crying for a little bit and then suddenly coming to a point of acceptance. The following morning, I went to school. I sort of skipped all the clear mourning phases and continued on with life, bottling up my deep sorrow so as to appear strong. Stress manifests itself in my body as illness. The times when my sadness was on the verge of surfacing were the times I was most unhealthy. In the coming months, I will make up of for tears I forced myself not to shed.

Live life with true Integrity
It’s such a simple idea, yet so unbelievably difficult to act on! I think I’ve found the answer to happiness. Being honest, to myself in particular is a challenge for me sometimes. I demand absolute honesty from others, but I find myself hypocritically holding back to save an ego here, someone’s self-esteem there. Lying to myself, has led me to heartache on more than just a few occasions. I’m going to try and keep this concept in the front of my head as often as I can manage.


Become the type that attracts my type
It’s true that a woman should work on herself before attempting to find a mate. My ideal partner is financially independent, emotionally mature, creative/artistic, worldly, passionate about something and an all around good person. I imagine this person is looking for the same characteristics in his mate. I will begin a process of embodying these qualities, so that when he finds me, I’ll be ready for him :)

A page a day
I want to begin a daily ritual of vomiting everything that’s in my head – every idea, every dream, every thought—no matter how dark or ridiculous, every secret. A full page. More if I need to. So I can clear my mind and to see myself more realistically.

Be less available
People take you for granted when you’re always around. I’m going to postpone returning calls and emails, reject more invitations, just be more distant, more detached. I’m such a cling-on. It’s the Cancer in me.

Explore more
I want to change my view. I never go out anymore. I need to go on field trips to a museum or to a concert. Meet different people. Strike up a conversation with strangers every now and again about whatever moves me. I’m such an introvert. I want to be more outgoing in a non-obnoxious way. I want to take chances once in a while. Hop a turnstile maybe. Or maybe play my sax in the subway or do an impromptu performance piece in the middle of Bryant Park. Audition more. Ask a man to dinner. Be daring and dangerous for a once.

Rebuild My Savings
I was proud of my substantial savings at one point—so proud in fact that I couldn’t resist a bit of spreeing as a reward. Unfortunately, a rainy day came along and my just-in-case-and-then-some fund quickly depleted to less than half of its original amount :( I plan to create a budget that will limit my spending and replenish my newly christened emergency/independent woman fund.

Regain my Physical Strength
I know as a performer I won’t be retiring at 30, but the reality of time and age have begun to affect my body in ways I couldn’t fathom as a limber 16 year old. My muscles have lost their tone, pulling my bones and placement out of the ideal shape I worked so effortlessly to attain. I have to get back into class, work on some yoga or Pilates, before it becomes too frustrating to reverse the damage.

I think these 8 goals are absolutely with in my grasp. Twelve months from now, I will be unrecognizable and a few steps closer to a woman I can admire.

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