Cleaning pipes

I'm starting a cleanse in 10 days. You can follow my progress here.

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I've started running again

I've started running again. I ran two and a half miles last night and I begin a twelve-week 5K training today. Lately, I'm not too happy with my condition--mentally and physically. Running helps me clear my head. I dance and sing and just have a good time running solo.

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Retrospective: Late bloom in 2007

It's hard to believe this year is coming to a close. Though even on the very first day, 2007 seemed like it was moving too fast. In the beginning, I couldn't help but feel pressure and anxiety. There was the move from the old studio and all the drama that came with the five-month transition period. Through all of it, I was wasn't taking class or auditioning and I spent a good portion of the first half of this year vaguely unhappy. All my affirmations and positive thinking never materialized into action that I could be proud of. I just felt like I wasn't involved in anything that was valuable to me or the grand scheme.

At some point in the middle of this year, something shifted. Sometime after the move and after settling into my new part-time position. Things were happening. I landed two movies and a video. I stage managed my first and second works. I made tons of connections. I brought people together. I could now proudly send out e-blasts regularly to friends and family urging them to support me and my progress. My energy was pulsing. And I was happy. As I am now. I am so proud of what I've done with myself in 2007 (yaay me!).

Of course, all things could do good by a little refinement. I made a list of resolutions this spring. I called it An Idiot's Guide to Fresher Lettuce (2007 Edition). Of the 8 items on the list, I can honestly state that I've not successfully accomplished a single one. And I don't think of this as failure. Life is continuous growth, constant work and/in progress. I've rebuilt the list, adding new items and revisiting the old ones. Please stay tuned for that epic post.

'Til then, have a happy and safe New Year Holiday.

Pou tout moun Haitienne: Bonne Année! Bonne Santé! And Happy Independence Day!!!

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attaining a virtue

When there is something really important I need to remember to get done, I will write it somewhere on my hand--less important tasks end up on a to-do list. I want to get the word "patience" tattooed on my hand.

It's been well over a month since I've last posted and so much has happened since, mostly positive: I stood by my word and opened my online vintage shop; I taught two modern Master classes at the studio; I made a lot of money and was able to save a substantial amount of it; my creative juices have been flowing and I feel more in tuned with the Universal Rhythm than I've ever been!

Chizuru invited me to attend an introductory meeting at her temple this afternoon. She is a Buddhist and a member of Soka Gakkai International (SGI). This was my second visit to the temple. I'm always happy to be around Chizuru--she is such a beautiful and inspiring young woman. She embodies so much of what I want to see in myself. It's her patience is what I admire most. Even when someone is nasty to her or she is sad for what ever reason or anything like this, I've never seen her be short with someone or lose her calm, sweet, patient demeanor. She is such a rare and amazing person. What I love so much about her is that with all her beauty, she still knows how to be silly and human.

I want this sort of balance for myself. This idea (and several hundred others) came to mind while I chanted for about an hour over the course of the afternoon. I really struggle with defeating my own ego long enough to let other ideas in.

***SIDE NOTE: My patience is seriously being tested at this very moment. I'm having a conversation with my mother and as usual she finds some way to turn an innocent request for information into an attack on her where she is the victim and I'm the selfish, ungrateful piece of poo. It's takes everything in me to bite my tongue and let her go on and on, jumping from one random unrelated rant to another. I sincerely wish we were better communicators--that we understood each other. The problem is we never talk and when we do, it seems like we make up for it by tossing our individual resentments and struggles into the mix as well. We're starving for that verbal interaction and so we argue to make up for lost time. This argument will remain unresolved and we will continue to live as if there is no tension, until we have to speak to each other again about something. ***

So patience is what I'm chanting for. There are eight days left in this year and I've decided that it's plenty enough time to change my life. I accepted a 7-day challenge this afternoon. I will chant "Nam-myoho-renge-kyo" in the morning and in the evening every day for the next seven days. I will return to SGI to share my experience next weekend. Chizuru has offered to help me by remotely chanting with me the next three days (while the temple is closed for the holiday) and we will meet again on Thursday and Friday at the temple for 7:00 chanting. I believe that I am expected to join, but I'll see how this week goes. I'm always pumped at the beginning of a challenge (Master Cleanse, Yoga Week, jogging schedule, etc.), but my discipline begins to wane soon after. If I become an SGI member before I leave for Haiti, I will continue to chant throughout my journey. I've been connected with an SGI leader who travels to Haiti regularly.

There's so much more to say, but I'm tired now and I would like to go to work in the morning. So good night everyone :)

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On: Diagnosing the twins (part deux) or It turns out I was over reacting

I went to get a sonogram this afternoon. I had a mini breakdown on Monday when I went online to research the possible causes of my once pussing and now bleeding nipple. Breast cancer was the first choice on every site I visited. It's funny how fear can totally blur one's ability to think rationally. Of course a nipple piercing can't cause cancer and all logical signs point to a low level infection or a simple blockage of normal fluid, possibly scar tissue, that's erupted. Both a nuisance, but both generally harmless. And so, I've worried myself over nothing really. The doctor says I should just wait it out, that it's likely to go away on it's own, and that it's not necessary to operate on it. pheeeww!

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Image of the Week: H U G (Pedro & I)

Pedro and I embrace in front of the Path Train entrance at World Trade Center. Swoon indeed!

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Images from the H U G Performance

Enjoy these images from the H U G Performance taken by one of the photographers who followed us the entire trip. We traveled from Union Square uptown on the east side to the Museum of Natural History across the park and downtown to the African Burial Ground Memorial (which is under construction) and the World Trade Center site. What I interpreted as the purpose of this project was to present a silent peace protest in the form of a site-specific performance art piece. I think the original vision include 20 or so couples embracing for 3 minutes at several locations around the city that harbor intense negative energy. The locations were all in Manhattan and were voluntarily submitted by random New Yorkers to the H U G Performance email address, along with a short description of the traumatic event they experienced there (as in a mugging or a death or a breakup, etc.) or a historic event that happened there. Our intension was to attempt to eliminate the negative energy in these public space and in turn helping the submitters grieve. I approached the project as if it were an exercise in meditation -- spreading my light for peace.

I must admit that I had a lot of trouble getting into the moment of the entire process. At the time of the final rehearsal, there were only 6 couples, which I think considerably lessened the intended effect and energy of the piece. When we left the Conflux Festival headquarters at noon, we were all amped to get to our first location and get through the 10 following sites the project would bring us to. We practiced with our partners (mine was Pedro... lucky me!), read the stories and memorized our positions. The first at Union Square was easy, and the next few continued to be easy, but by the time we got to the Museum and crossed the park, the physical exhaustion set in. We hit 7 locations in about 3 hours on foot and subway, approximately 70 blocks! And the action of the three-minute hug is taxing on the body as well. A couple has to negotiate weight change, balance, comfortable placement of limbs and skulls, etc.; individually, find a position that is comfortable is hard to pin point in just one step to your partner and because Julie (the director) wanted us to appear rooted and still for 3 whole minutes, voluntary weight shifting was out of the question.

Now, during the east side trip uptown, we inspired a lot of curiosity. It was when we arrived at the scene of a mugging at Port Authority on 41st Street that the heckling broke me down. The area west of Times Square is the stomping grounds of toothless junkies, street dwellers and all sorts of riffraff -- not exactly an ideal site for performance art. Unsurprisingly, we were heckled for three whole minutes. I being the only black female in the group, I received the brunt of the nasty comments and I broke from my embrace feeling pretty shitty. Finding myself at the African Burial Ground Memorial site a half hour later, I couldn't digest the weight of the place. My mind wouldn't stop. And when we made our way to World Trade, the last site, one person short, over an hour behind schedule and in the middle of p.m. rush, my thoughts began to clear. It was two days after the 6th Anniversary and construction had begun. The boom of metal against earth, the bustle of evening rush, fatigue, the heat and scent of my partner -- all of this slowed my mind, brought me back to the moment and to my purpose. I was beaming with gratitude and peace.

I hope I was able to share it.

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H U G Performance (NYC) by Julie Troost

H U G

Helping Us Grieve

a performance installation by Julie Troost

Thursday, September 13, 2007 12-4pm

Manhattan Streets

BE A PART OF IT

www.myspace.com/hugperformance

www.confluxfestival.org/conflux2007/hug

Groups embracing on busy sidewalks surprise New Yorkers rushing by.

The negative memories of personal and community conflict are healed by a simple gesture of compassion.

Surprising New Yorkers in the midst of their day, H U G (Helping Us Grieve) is a city-sweeping performance installation that travels across Manhattan. Appearing and disappearing without warning, pairs embrace for a little too long at each site before dispersing. The performers have a predetermined path to travel on public transportation between locations as well as specific times to execute each installation. The pairs are arranged in site-specific formations predetermined by each location's uniqueness.

Sites were designated ahead of time from suggestions made by the public of personal and community conflict, responding to postings on craigslist and the Conflux festival website. H U G blankets scarred urban spaces that contain the memory of a momentous event of conflict while reminding observers of the ability to heal.

BE A PART OF IT - Huggers and Camera Phone Artists Wanted! --Seeking members of the public to join H U G's migration through Manhattan or meet us at an installation site posted at www.myspace.com/hugperformance beginning Sept. 11.

PARTICIPATE IN TWO WAYS (you can do both): 1) Hug someone! Add yourselves to the hugging installations. 2) Photograph what you witness with your digital camera or camera phone and text or email photos to Flickr (see instructions below).

LET US KNOW YOU'RE COMING - email your name to: hugperformance@gmail.com by 11:59pm on Wed. Sept. 12 or meet us at The Change You Want To See, 84 Havemeyer St. (off Metropolitan), Williamsburg, Brooklyn by 11:30am on Sept. 13. (L train to Lorimer stop. Walk west on Metropolitan.)

FLICKR Instructions: 5MB photos max. OPTION 1: (preferred by H U G) Text Message or attach your photos to an Email and send to action83writ@photos.flickr.com Put the location in the subject line and your name in the body of the email so you are credited. One photo per email. OPTION 2: use your own flickr account and tag your photos with "hugperformance".

H U G is directed/choreographed by: Julie Troost

performed by: Noah Damer, Johnny DeArden, Jil Guyon, Pedro Jimenez, Amy Jones, Courtney King, Renee Kurz, Omar Nasir, Melissa Sanfiorenzo, Jamie Sporn, Genevieve Sky Waltcher

costume advisor: Renee Kurz

image and design by: Jed Geiman

H U G is presented by the Conflux Festival. Find out more at www.confluxfestival.org/conflux2007/

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On: Diagnosing the twins

I have to get a sonogram. She said it was an infection, I took the pills and nothing changed. The doctor said she'll have to remove the hard bit whatever the results are, but she wants to be sure of what the thing is. I don't want surgery. I don't want anyone coming near my precious tits with a sharp object. 

I'm scared.

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Meditation #5499 or "It's about the quality of your expression" -Amiri Baraka

I believe that art imitates life, that it is a representation of the an environment, that my message is my interpretation of ideas that are shared by others. Art testifies to a time, a people and a way of life. Let's take for example the argument that the rapper is not a poet. One could argue that both poetry and hip hop culture are so diverse in their subject matter and methods of delivery, that it is impossible to make a blanket statement such as this. Or that rappers who make songs that degrade women and glamorize crime culture are simply imitating the life they know. Or that the art form in fact fuels the fire, and that a change in the subject matter could change the environment.

Amiri Baraka says "it's about the quality of your expression"; that saying something with the purpose of saying something is art. Rappers out for fame and fortune are not artists, they are vehicle for exploitation. Tupac was a poet.

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On: Losing the twins or I'm overreacting

I've adopted a habit of writing, when ever possible, whatever thoughts come to mind in my notebook and letting them develop on the pages. When it isn't convenient to whip it out, I try to focus on one thought long enough for the ideas to jell. I get annoyed when people say they have ADD. I lump ADD in the same category as Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny. I think, for myself, my creative energy is blocked and so my thoughts just sort of pile up on top of themselves, half complete and fleeting.

It's been an invaluable help. I've made myself a loose five-year plan and thought through my ultimate life goals. I've created a to-do list with ultimatums and such. I've made a growing list of reoccurring thoughts for meditation. I feel like peace is not far away.

I found something strange behind my left nipple yesterday. It's feels like a hardened duct. It doesn’t appear on my right breast. I was petrified at once, nerves humming, heart rate gaining momentum. Had I done this to myself? The moment my mother discovered my jewelry, she blurted that I'd get cancer. Nonsense, I thought then. After three years, the piercing has not totally healed. I have no pain, no discomfort. As coincidence would have it, the strange thing sits on the left side of my breast, the same side as the hole in my nipple that hasn’t healed. My family has a laundry list of hereditary ailments, both harmless (bunions, dry skin, excess hair) and depressive (sickle cell anemia, stomach ulcers, uterine cysts). My father may have died of lung cancer, his mother lost a seven-year battle against breast cancer. I wrote the following thought as it came to me on the express train to work this morning:

I'm not so much worried about dying too soon as I am about losing a body part or an organ, something close to me that I've grown to know and love. I love my breasts and the thought of losing them makes me sad. What could replace them? I'm scared of the end of affection, and of living abnormally, or of carrying more secrets, being even more self-conscious. "Dying is easy, it's living that's pain" (lyric from Cotton Eyed Joe by Terry Callier); that unstoppable train, its chugging and whistling still faint in the far, far distance, to come into view some day, any day. Inevitable, no matter the protests. I'll make peace when she comes. I just don't want a difficult life in the mean time.

My goal is to leave this earth with all my pieces. I pray that I can look back at my life and tell the people who have come to say goodbye that I was happy and that I did not fail at life, that I was a success.

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Spring Cleaning 2

No one might ever see this, but I'm haven't eaten and I'm thoroughly annoyed.

There is a lady in my life, who I would rather not have in my life. She gets under my skin. She brags and talks too much and is nosy and bossy and not a really genuine or nice person in my opinion. I want to surround myself with people that are greater than me, but because they actually are and not because they see themselves as greater. I like talented, educated people, with big dreams and who make those dreams happen. But those who are constantly flaunting their good luck or announcing they're "hard work" or always looking to get recognition and attention are supremely unattractive to me. Lack of humility and modesty are my absolute biggest annoyances. I don't want to sound like a hater, because I believe people deserve every bit of what they earn. And I think everyone gets their time to shine and you just have to recognize when your turn comes. I HATES ON NO MAN.

And my time is near. My energy is pulsing and my spirits are high. I have talents and goals and dreams and this great big life ahead of me, and I'm so tired of following. I want to lead, even if I'm solo. I'm tired of being scared and limiting myself. I'm OVER IT! I mean I feel blessed and grateful for my accomplishments, but I feel like those were too easy. i didn't have to work very hard for some of it. Even when I stressed and worried, in many cases, it was sheer luck... being at the right place at the right time.

I want to do great things because I worked hard to get to them. I'm tired of doing things just to do them.

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An Idiot's Guide to Fresher Lettuce (2007 Edition)

I made this list back in January. I've been successful at keeping most of the items at the front of my mind since it's inception, but I know my motitvation to complete the tasks will ebb and flow like my mood. They aren't ordered in any particular manner, though the first three items do hold greatest importance to me. I've decided that achieving them wiil have the greatest impact in my emotional well-being.


Properly grieve my father’s death
This fall will mark eight years since his passing, and yet I haven’t been able to rid myself of the secret depression I’ve felt all this time. I remember crying for a little bit and then suddenly coming to a point of acceptance. The following morning, I went to school. I sort of skipped all the clear mourning phases and continued on with life, bottling up my deep sorrow so as to appear strong. Stress manifests itself in my body as illness. The times when my sadness was on the verge of surfacing were the times I was most unhealthy. In the coming months, I will make up of for tears I forced myself not to shed.

Live life with true Integrity
It’s such a simple idea, yet so unbelievably difficult to act on! I think I’ve found the answer to happiness. Being honest, to myself in particular is a challenge for me sometimes. I demand absolute honesty from others, but I find myself hypocritically holding back to save an ego here, someone’s self-esteem there. Lying to myself, has led me to heartache on more than just a few occasions. I’m going to try and keep this concept in the front of my head as often as I can manage.


Become the type that attracts my type
It’s true that a woman should work on herself before attempting to find a mate. My ideal partner is financially independent, emotionally mature, creative/artistic, worldly, passionate about something and an all around good person. I imagine this person is looking for the same characteristics in his mate. I will begin a process of embodying these qualities, so that when he finds me, I’ll be ready for him :)

A page a day
I want to begin a daily ritual of vomiting everything that’s in my head – every idea, every dream, every thought—no matter how dark or ridiculous, every secret. A full page. More if I need to. So I can clear my mind and to see myself more realistically.

Be less available
People take you for granted when you’re always around. I’m going to postpone returning calls and emails, reject more invitations, just be more distant, more detached. I’m such a cling-on. It’s the Cancer in me.

Explore more
I want to change my view. I never go out anymore. I need to go on field trips to a museum or to a concert. Meet different people. Strike up a conversation with strangers every now and again about whatever moves me. I’m such an introvert. I want to be more outgoing in a non-obnoxious way. I want to take chances once in a while. Hop a turnstile maybe. Or maybe play my sax in the subway or do an impromptu performance piece in the middle of Bryant Park. Audition more. Ask a man to dinner. Be daring and dangerous for a once.

Rebuild My Savings
I was proud of my substantial savings at one point—so proud in fact that I couldn’t resist a bit of spreeing as a reward. Unfortunately, a rainy day came along and my just-in-case-and-then-some fund quickly depleted to less than half of its original amount :( I plan to create a budget that will limit my spending and replenish my newly christened emergency/independent woman fund.

Regain my Physical Strength
I know as a performer I won’t be retiring at 30, but the reality of time and age have begun to affect my body in ways I couldn’t fathom as a limber 16 year old. My muscles have lost their tone, pulling my bones and placement out of the ideal shape I worked so effortlessly to attain. I have to get back into class, work on some yoga or Pilates, before it becomes too frustrating to reverse the damage.

I think these 8 goals are absolutely with in my grasp. Twelve months from now, I will be unrecognizable and a few steps closer to a woman I can admire.

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