I came home on Monday afternoon and was immediately swept up in the bustle of the city and work drama. I think life in the Hudson Valley, with its incredible sunsets and babbling brooks and miles and miles of fresh air, is spoiling me. I haven't been calm or relaxed since I left Bard. A "feel better quick" shopping trip to Union Square resulted in an impulse purchase that included the above pictured Frye Gwen platform peep toe wedge. I scored these incredible spring 2007 shoes (originally retailing for around $150) and a pair of super cute vintagy striped espadrilles (originally $80) for, get this, $60 flat!
The universe totally conspired in my favor and now I have a pair of shoes to rock on the set of a music video I booked next Saturday (for Irazema, directed by Shawnette Heard, choreographed by Luam... stay tuned for that post) and to my Belated Birthday Extravaganza the following weekend (stay tuned for that one too)!
Yaay for finding happiness in inanimate objects!
30 July 2008
Bought It: Frye Gwen Wedge
25 July 2008
On: Questioning my path + Mostly definite answers
So... I had this extra long conversation with a really good friend of mine, an actor, a black actor, coincidentally, who, in light of the dismal economic conditions we're all suffering from, is toying with the idea of quitting the business. As he was lamenting about being broke and losing patience for that 'big break', I began to question my decisions on my own path. Why do I dance (later post)? What do I really want to be doing? Am I really 'a creative'? Or simply not smart enough/too lazy/too stubborn? I haven't questioned myself in some time. I guess I've been busy hustling toward what I think is my dream.
So, on the opening night of this latest gig, after losing my footing and breaking character too many times to consider it a good performance, I am considering what life would look like sans dance. I know, just like I told my actor friend, that this is just a moment of doubt that will pass. And I know that for the first time ever, I've got rehearsals and projects lined up over the next several months. It looks like the beginning success. But the questions are still there. Nagging. Wanting resolution.
I'm having some reservations about Misnomer. I'm really nervous about the whole thing... more so than excited. I'm scheduled to have my first conversation with Chris at some point tomorrow about moving forward with the company, but this afternoon, I had a flash of panic, imagining how a future exchange with him would go when he realizes he's made a grave mistake in hiring me. I think about moments when I've been really close my 'ultimate' (the Urban Bush Women Apprenticeship or AGORA for examples) and had not taken full advantage of those moments. It's so pointless to regret, so I'll stop here and say that my fear is not of success, but of not progression.
Some things I'm mostly sure of:
I want to cut off all communication with PK. It's been two years. A long time to stay in one place.
In September, the Kane School is admitting a class of teacher trainees in September. I've already saved the $900 to do it.
Being 100% self-employed is only steps away.
My 25th year will be the best ever!
23 July 2008
I'm here!
Today was a happy day. I was frustrated with myself, yes, because my mind and body began losing a short, painful battle with fatigue right when I need all the troops in line. But even with this crazy charlie horse in my calf and the spasms in my back, I couldn't be happier today. I'm living my dream. This is a tick off the ol' list. I would have been at the school today, working too many hours, sitting on my ass, wishing for something like this.
... Happy Birthday to me!
19 July 2008
Must See: FELA! Off-Broadway
I stumbled upon an ad for this show and felt a little sad. I remember the audition for FELA!, the Bill T. Jones created musical about the life of Nigerian inventor of afrobeat. I remember that it was at this audition that I realized that talent, in fact, does count for something in this business, and that I couldn't simply get by on luck and looks alone. Before then, I pretty much banked on this miserable theory that all of the work I'd been hired for were token gestures or simply to fulfill the requirements of some diversity grant. Before that audition, in front of Bill T. Jones and Aaron Johnson (of Antibalas), plus a table full of bigwigs and people I wanted to be... before then, I thought I didn't have to work so hard to prove myself because I was an Ailey-trained lean and muscular black dancer and even though I wasn't hot shit, most people thought I was because I looked like I was (more on reconciling what people think I am with what I actually am in a later post).
So, anyway, I bombed that audition and it was quite a shock. As was my luck, all of the women at the audition were Ailey-trained lean and muscular black dancers... who could both sing and act and play percussion and recall West African folk songs and were more confident, more beautiful, and truly far more hotter shit than I ever thought I was. I couldn't execute African dance convincingly. I wasn't a confident improvisor. I was too sure about my ability to just pick up my sax and wing it. I was a mess. And then I was really, really blue. I was staring my dream in the eye: a chance to work for my favorite choreographer along side one of my favorite music groups in a show about one of my favorite music artist. And I blew it. Totally dropped the ball. No excuses. Just poor planning and too little self-awareness. I promised myself that I would take vocal lessons and African classes, that I would pick up my sax everyday and learn to improvise like the greats. I'd be unstoppable.
Fast forward a year, the show is opening next month. I plan to see it, of course. I watch the youtube clips and I can only imagine what the process must have been like; the rehearsals and the music and the community of it... sigh. I never got any of those classes in and I've yet to pick up my sax again, but I will soon. And maybe, if this show is picked up for a bigger longer run, I can be ready for it.
Check the website for clips, show dates, and more information about the show at www.felaoffbroadway.com
16 July 2008
On: Suppressing Ego + Controlling Karma
I was reprimanded in rehearsal last week. For being scatter brained. My explanation, if I weren't too chicken to talk back:
I'm working on my first residency. In a week's time, I've done everything wrong and for a moment I felt like I'd set myself up as the big fat joke of the bunch; the "late one", the "slow one", the "one to roll your eyes at". There have been so many challenges for me to work out since I began this project and the one that's been the hardest for me is suppressing my own ego. It was instinctual for me to believe that the choreographer had it out for me and that I wasn't good enough for the work or that I'm marked for suffering and I have a right to be bitter all the time.
In reality, in the grand scheme of things, I'm just a speck of sand in a maestro's sandbox. We are a orchestra, cast and crew of nearly 100over 175 for two separate operas that both need to be choreographed, staged, and well rehearsed in just two weeks. Where I am placed in a sequence or on the stage is more a matter of the director's whim and my sheer luck than one of my talent. My sister said it best: I have no reason to prove myself; I'm already here. I just need to do my best work and be grateful for the opportunity to do so. While spending so much energy analyzing the other dancers' body language or the choreographer's offbeat comments, wondering how everyone remembered the choreography so well or why she got cast as such and such instead of me, I was doing myself a disservice. I could have put all that concentration into learning my roles and perfecting my craft.
This week is better. I'm happier this week. Now that I've more or less gotten over myself, I want to work on my good-sportsmanship. I'm good at fighting the urge to hate on people... sometimes... most of the time, what I'm terrible at is expressing sympathy when my hateration translates into someone else's bad karma (ie: self-entitled diva loses leading role to snarky mini diva; huge chunk of choreography gets cut by director while choreographer helplessly looks on; borderline dits just getting by on her dewy-eyed looks removed from dance for lack of talent). I should feel compassion. I'm trying to put myself in their shoes. Karma (or my nascent telepathic sense) is a bitch.
07 July 2008
Must See: BAM's 2008 Next Wave Festival
I just received a phone call from BAM asking if I would be interested in purchasing a subscription to this years Next Wave Festival. I've regretfully missed the last few, but this years program is absolutely too good to pass up! Here's a list of the pieces I'm looking forward to, plus some video to give you a taste.
Urban Bush Women in collaboration with Compagnie JANT-BI, Les ecailles de la memoire. I was invited to rehearse as an apprentice with Urban Bush Women last fall. The apprenticeship ended just before the company left for Senegal where they collaborated with Compagnie Jant-Bi, an all-male contemporary West African dance troupe. I'm looking forward to seeing what they've created.
www.urbanbushwomen.org
La La La Human Steps, Amjad. My obsession with the Canadian contemporary ballet company La La La Human Steps began when my sister put me on to the Company's dance film Amelia via youtube earlier this year. In Amjad, the Company will perform Sleeping Beauty and Swan Lake the way Édourd Loch would like it done. I think this will be the highlight of my year!
www.lalalahumansteps.com
A Quarreling Pair, new work by Bill T. Jones/Arnie Zane Dance. I've fell for this company at the very first annual City Center Fall for Dance Festival in 2004. The Company, along with a handful of invited guests (including former company member, Alexandra Beller, a woman I truly admire) performed Continuous Replay. I've since been a devoted fan of the Company's work and I am always floored by the brilliance of the dancers.
www.billtjones.org
Pina Bausch Bamboo Blue Pina Bausch is a big deal in the modern dance world. She's like some sort of goddess to many dancers I know. I don't get what all the hype is about, so I'm really interested to see her latest work, Bamboo Blue.
Pina Bausch wiki
Hooray! In other news, I begin rehearsals for Harnasie in a few hours. I can't believe how beautiful it is up here. Annandale-on-Hudson. That's where I am. All this wilderness makes me kind of giddy... too giddy to sleep! More on being surrounded by nature and miles upon miles away from the city, plus rehearsing the opera (I still can't believe I got this gig!) in the next few days.
In the mean time, g'night :)
06 July 2008
Nneka: Heartbeat
Nneka showed up on my last.fm playlist and immediately peaked my interest, so I share her with you. Her lyrics are quite beautiful, particularly in this song. Intensely poetic and her voice is raw like... reminds me of Tina Turner circa "Proud Mary". Enjoy.
Video for Heartbeat.
Visit her space (www.myspace.com/nnekaworld)
Bag Lady (what's in my bag)
I was packing for my trip and I emptied my purse and it fell out like this, so i took a picture.
1. this is my summer bag. i tend to purchase bags that are interesting in their shape, but don't have spangle hardware, bells, whistle and other such nonsense. my bags represent me well. i purchased this sturdy canvas deisel sac two years ago. this lovely purse has a pretty lotus and blossom print that puts me a light breezy mood. it goes with everything i own and though it looks small, it's large enough to fit all my shit.
(in the event that i need more bag space, the mint and chocolate fabric can be folded and knotted into a gorgeous satchel. other days it's a head scarf or a blanket in the grass or a cover up on the cold ass subway.)
2.electronics (camera + charger, macbook pro + power block, ipod, phone + extra battery). when the new iphone releases later this month, i won't need to carry this stuff any more. happy birthday to me!
3. prayer beads and sutra booklet. when i'm especially stressed or angry or i just feel like i've disconnected from my practice, i bust these out.
4. summer fragrance. i'm more of a scented oils kind of girl, but i received this origins ginger essence fragrance when i was a teen, and i've worn it ever since. it's spicy and citrusy and it makes me think of off days in a quiet park napping under a tree, breeze blowing, sun shining... sigh...
5. bike permit, commuter rail ticket, metrocard. how i gets around. i never learned how to drive and conveniently, while public transportation save me a lot of money and the headache of owning a car, it also lowers my carbon footprint. i'm so on trend :P
6. current read. this is my third attempt at reading this book. it was a gift. the giver swore i'd love it. i hate it when people who don't know you all that well try to tell you what you'll like.
7. moleskin notebook + de la vega "too many thoughts". this is where i keep my dates, notes, writings, drawings, etc when i unplug.
That was fun! Have a good night :)
04 July 2008
On: abandoning the boast, a new ally, and midyear review
So I've been thinking lately, that while it's good to get out of yourself sometimes, I feel that not all habits are that bad and not all not so bad habits need permanent breaking. Case in point: this whole bragging business. I adopted the idea a few months back with the encouragement of a friend, a real advocate of bragging. After practicing the art, albeit not religiously, for some time, I'm ready to go back to my old ways of just keeping my successes and blessings private.
I've been truly uncomfortable these last few months, still feeling like my whatever's happening in my life isn't worthy of public mention, especially when everyone around me is doing bigger, better, or simply different things. It's not that cool to my peers that I've done a European commercial or that I was in a featured dancer in an award winning indie short or that I'm spending my birthday rehearsing for an opera. They're aiming for MTV greatness. I'm trying to get written up in the Times. So then why mention it to them? Not to say that their lack of interest and hateration diminishes the value of my successes for me. I'm just saying, I feel more comfortable when I can simply work on my craft and artistry without attracting negativity and other distractions. So with all that said, I'm abandoning the boast... in the public speaking sense.
In other news, there's a girl at work who's been such a joy and has quickly become my new ally. She and I see things so similarly and she's older so she's got sense. I like her a lot and I'm so happy that she's around. Yaay for brown girls sticking together!
I never did post my resolutions "Fresher Lettuce: 2008 Edition" and so a midyear review:
1. visited Haiti for one month on $500.
2. returned from the afore mentioned trip to a job.
3. signed with an agency and gotten work.
4. performed with a small company in which I learned invaluable lessons in professionalism and artistry.
5. filmed my first commercial.
6. was hired for an opera.
7. was accepted in to Ailey's Independent Study Program again.
8. learned the ins and outs of running and marketing a business on the web.
9. took a few steps closer to being spiritually sound.
10. made a lot of money working freelance and for myself.
11. gave up convenient shit work to do very inconvenient but incredible work thats made me sacrifice, prioritize, and simplify.
12. taken control of the path of my life and being okay with my blue patches.
13. got a raise.
14. gave up that guy.
15. lived a life worth blogging and bragging about :)
Happy 4th you all! Enjoy the long weekend :)
02 July 2008
Fallen Art
I came across this while researching Polish art and music as the opera I'll be working on is by a famous Polish composer. Fallen Art. It's dark.
[link]
The award winning short is created by Tomasz Bagiński.
