ben kenney: conception + the funeral

dope track from former roots member/current incubus bassist, ben kenney. came across his solo work way late, but i love it! have a listen.



visit his website (www.benkenney.com/) for more.

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heartbreak in toronto

i found a $75 flight to toronto. that's where i am now. i was invited to audition for cirque du soleil this morning and i rearranged my work schedule, missed class and rehearsal to come here. i'm staying with the family of a former student. the audition was just like the last one in new york, same auditors, same combination, same fabric numbers and gold safety pins. again, i didn't make the first cut. they only kept men, contemporary dancers who tumble and dancers who did anything other than contemporary. i planned to be here for the call back (which i knew i wouldn't get), just in case. my bus doesn't leave until tomorrow night at 9p :/

i've had a headache most of the weekend and i'm on my rag and i'm tired and sick. and bummed i didn't do my best this morning. and annoyed that i came all this way to not leave with a contract or the chance to say "at least i got a call back". i'm planning on leaving my job by june 8... in 3 months... 13 weeks actually. i need to have a full paying dance gig before then. i can't leave without something else lined up. and i refuse to go to retail or something else out of desperation...

patience and faith... patience and faith...

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chemical brothers: let forever be

this video is somewhere near the top of my favorite videos. it's trippy as hell and the choreography is timeless. enjoy!

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random chatter: everyday i'm hustlin'

1. these last few days have been at once hectic and enlightening and emotional and empowering. i made a lot of decisions, some i'm happy with, others i'm a bit regretful of. but i'm too much thinker-feeler. not enough doer. so i have to keep moving. stay on the path. the momentum's back, but it's got me seeing things as they relate to reality. no flying high on grand faith and feeling. i'm going to make these dreams of mine real life. this year has to be the year. i can't see the possibilities outside of my goals. this plan has to work. there is no plan b.

2. in the last week, i've auditioned like mad. i went ahead and crashed that cirque audition. for all my nervousness, i wasn't asked a thing. i was cut right away, but they have my things now. i'm hoping to go to their march audition in toronto. i haven't heard from ase yet *crossing fingers*, but i went out for another company inspirit dance based in brooklyn, which i landed. i have my first rehearsal this weekend. go me!

3. i discovered something a few days ago. my life was in perfect order when i was a disciplined student of dance. when i was taking class religiously and even with the stress of school and work, i got it done. i feel overwhelmed and just a step behind myself. so i'm getting back to it. i have to be dancing everyday, as exercise, as education, as reward, as work, as pay, as release.

4. i'm going to youngstown, oh at the end of the month. to judge a dance competition. as a kid, my local dance studio was way too avant garde for the competition scene, so i don't know the first thing about the competitive dance world. the stereotypes i have of these sort of events include underdressed, terribly trained preteen divas and the egomaniacal stage-momzillas who enable them. there will probably be a lot of bad dancing. a lot of glitter and neon lycra. but the pay is good and the organizers are covering for my flight, hotel room and meals, so i'm down!.

this covers my outta the city resolution for february. i was getting worried because my dc plans got tripped up... flaky people are the worst.

phil's from youngstown. le sigh.

5. i had my teacher training midterm last week. i stressed over it so much i wasn't sleeping! i had to create a lesson plan to present to the class. in the end, my teachers and my classmates loved my work. the comments and feedback i received were so rewarding! work hard, be successful.

6. i stood up to the two bullies in my life last week. on a whim in both the instances. i don't generally like confrontation, but i hate being treated like less than. one instance backfired and may cost me a mutual friend and a regular gig, and though there may have been other ways i could have handled it, i think the result could have happened no other way... c'est la vie. the other instance has laid the groundwork for every step i'll take from now on--most importantly, the ones to and out the door.

7. i told my boss that if i get a touring gig, i'd take it and wouldn't look back. i'll have been working there 6 years on my birthday this summer. that's much longer than i wanted. i'm ready to go. i'm waiting patiently for my escape plan to materialize. *geevus take the wheeeel!*

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on: auditioning (part 2)

1. i auditioned for ase dance theater collective this evening and all the stress and fatigue i've been feeling melted away. there were several moment tonight where i found myself on the brink of tears or feeling uncontrollably happy. i was an incredibily inspiring audition and even if i don't get the gig, i'm happy have had the opportunity to leave with so many seeds.

2. i think i'm going to make it a habit to improv more often. i always feel so relaxed and receptive after improving. another resolution maybe?

3. there's an exclusive, agency-only audition for a dream gig this weekend. it happens to be an eight-hour audition... for which i've not submitted any materials and i'm not certain i'll even be permitted to participate since i'm not with the agency called... and i don't even have a dance agent. decisions. decisions.

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on: almost learning my lesson...

i told him it wasn't working and while, at first, i was sad to be alone again, i'm so proud of myself for having the sense to say 'no, thank you!' i saw history repeating and i put the kibosh on an increasingly frustrating situation. so, here i am single again, free to move as i please...

and i still work for him. that's right folks, i couldn't talk my way out of it and so i still have to deal with him. i'm not worried about it being awkward and i'm more annoyed by him than angered. it feels more like a distraction. i'm so motivated toward my goals and i've got so much to juggle, something not worth the trouble need not be part of the equation. i'm remaining firm, however, and i feel like this process will be another great lesson.

pray for me.

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Guide to Fresher Lettuce: 2009 Edition

1. Bonne Année, Bonne Santé! I'm feeling 180° from where I was just a few days ago. The new year brought an incredible momentum that I pray won't evaporate. It feels so good to feel motivated towards an ultimate goal. I'm very excited about this year and as a matter of fact I'm quite proud of all that I accomplished in 2008. I had to sit and remind myself that while it might feel like my drive waned toward the end of the year, all that I'm doing is moving me in the right direction. I can be assured of that. I was recently approached with a request to teach abroad. While I'm not totally confident in my experience, this will only be a rung on my ladder, for better or worse. I just need to stay focused and get a press kit together, most importantly a performance/choreography reel. More on that soon.

2. I spent my first New Year's Eve out this year. I shelled out $30 for the AfroPunk/Coup D'etat Brooklyn Punk N' Paint Party. It was in a loft in Soho with some of the scene's well known live painters lining the walls and Dante's Fried Chicken providing the grub. I rolled solo, and while I generally avoid drinking when I'm not around people I trust, I wanted to throw my inhibitions out with 2008. I happily took advantage of the open bar and the cheap drink tickets and quickly went from nice to inebriated by 1am. I left not long after that, sliding all the way down the steep staircase from the 4th floor walkup, not feeling confident enough in my really high, slightly loose pumps to make down upright. I did manage to snag a number before I stumbled out. Go me. The three-plus-hour trip home was cold and frustrating and my bed couldn't have been more welcoming when I finally got to it. I'm proud of myself for going out alone and having a blast alone and having the good sense to make it home alone and in one piece. I let myself get discouraged sometimes, especially when I'm feeling tired. I want to be more social and this is how I have to make it happen. *pats self on the back*

3. I somehow never got around to making a list of resolutions in 2008 and I feel okay with that because I didn't put pressure on myself to get shit done. I just jumped at opportunities and was patient with the outcomes. This year, I'm going to be more proactive, however, and go a even further than just a list of resolutions. This year's Guide to Fresher Lettuce is a list of predictions. Inspired by this post, these are the moves I'm making in '09, no pressure, simply presence:

1. I will travel outside of New York once a month, exploring US cities through the spring and finally making my way to Europe this summer. I've already contacted former students overseas and friends in the States for advice and places to rest my head. I've gotten affirmative responses from everyone, further solidifying the accuracy of this prophecy!

2. I will set the foundation for being a self-employed Certified Pilates Instructor/Teaching Artist/Performer/Choreographer in 2009. I will develop a brand name, market myself, educate myself and make a comfortable living as an artist. 2009 will be the year I more match my salary currently sitting on my bum, as an artist.

3. I will immerse myself in the young art scene that in 2008 I so longed to be a part of. In 2009, I will have made a name for myself worthy of the interest of the powers that be.

4. In 2009, I will teach and land a performing job overseas.

5. Love will take a backseat to my career in 2009, saving me the distraction and heartache I suffered in 2008.

Here's to maintaining momentum in '09.
Cheers!

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:(

I'm feeling incredibly sad and unaccomplished. I've been spending a few days sorting my money situation, budgeting for 2009, taking inventory of the last year, scoring different sources for inspiration... and I can't help but feel like the momentum I'd built up back in the summer has stalled without my realizing it. Somewhere along the way, I stopped moving and I'm just now seeing that I've gone way of course... actually having trouble remembering what the original course was. I want to be dancing. I want to be touring. I want to make my money as an artist. So why am I letting so many things distract me? In 2009, I need to make a plan and stick to it. I need to set goals and deadlines and stay on course. I'm halfway to my next birthday and I've got so much work to do!

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Posing for Urban Renaissance

A few weeks ago, a photographer contacted me to model images he was auctioning at Urban Renaissance. The first is the image he used of me. The other two were my favorites.

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On: The End & New Beginnings

1. I have a confession. When I came home from the opera, I did see Phil. Not very many times. A lot has happened in the last few months and I wasn't really motivated to fight him for his time. But now it's ended. I cried at work yesterday. I surprised myself. I cried because I was sad that after two years of whatever it was we had, I have nothing to show for it but a really harsh lesson. I was never in love. He never wanted more than my ass. And now it's over.

2. I passed my Pilates Final this week. I'm planning to complete my hours by late March and April's Orientation at the Studio will be my last. I'm 224 hours away from my new path!

3. I started a Dance Education Training course a couple of weeks back. It's been really great so far, quite enlightening actually. What I'm learning in the class each week, I've been applying to my TA gig with the Studio's Children & Teen Modern classes. I hoping that at the end of this course, I'll be prepared to teach in the city school system, in arts-in-ed programs, or in after school programs. The course ends in May. I banking on landing a sub or part-time gig at a school for September.

4. Tonight's date didn't happen. He had trouble with his car. I'm trying not to be superstitious about it. We rescheduled for Tuesday.

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Audition: DV8 Physical Theatre

www.dv8.co.uk/

I auditioned for this company last weekend. It was a six-hour process that left me really exhausted, mentally and physically, but also completely enlightened and more aware of where my path is headed. I'm going to Europe. I don't know when or how I'm getting over there, but I feel like that's where my career is. I feel like the projects that I've worked on and the people I've worked with have all been a precursor to what's to come.

Just need to say that out loud... see what comes of it.

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New Photo

photo: mg oania

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"Breath"

Another set of dancing images by Alex. Alex called me up a week ago for an impromtu shoot and I was totally game. I felt very confident in these picture, not really having a sense of what I wanted, I just went in blank headed. I particularly love the jump shots as they show off what's left of my technique (:P). And the postures on the floor en pointe look very geometric and balanced... I like!

Hope you do too. Enjoy!

----------------
Now playing on iTunes: Lully of Birdland (Hannah)
via FoxyTunes

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Lighting Broadway Underground

I light a show at BBKings last night! AAAAHHHHHH!!! I'm beside myself! Jared Grimes, an incredible choreographer, teacher, and creator of Broadway Underground needed someone to fill in last minute and I happened to be in the right place at the right time. I know I said I'd given up production work, but this could not be passed up. BB Kings has moving lights dude! Are you kidding?! AHAHAHAH! I'm still beaming from it. The whole night was perfect, stressful, but everything I always loved about lighting. It's similar to dance for me. You breath with the board. You move with it. You plan and perfect. Ah, I had a blast!



The line up was sick too! Jared's choreography has always impressed me. He has phenomenal vision and as a tapper/hip-hop dancer, he's just effing talented! He invites musicians to perform as well. The Drumadics blew me away! And I loved the jam at the end where audience members get to come onstage to show their shit. Had I been able to relinquish my place behind the board, I woulda been up there too heheh!

Man! The perfect start to a new week. Check out the Broadway Underground website at www.broadwayunderground.org. Next show is happening soon!

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random chatter: karma, flying, and even more questions

1. This was a helluva week! Exciting. Exhausting. Frustrating. I'm rundown today. I didn't dance this week and that always puts me in a funky mood, sort of irritated and punchy. I finally exhausted all of my patience with a coworker who's personality tests my buddhahood daily. Everyone tip-toes around her. Even the higher-ups find themselves bowing down to her. This week, I gave up and gave back! And now she and I are not on speaking terms. Bump that! Just one less person to have to say hello to in the morning! Oy! Where does she get off?! Somebody needs to knock that sloppy (sic) off her damn high horse for real. Moving on...

2. That I didn't get Misnomer is starting to wear on me. Not because I really wanted that Company, but because I was so close to my dream. I know it's better this way, because it's even more clear to me that I would not have been a good fit for the Company, but I want to be dancing. And when I'm sitting around not dancing and I have to deal with the uppity fools I work with, I get on edge. So, I'm back on my grind, looking for that next audition, chanting for work and good karma.

3. I visited SLAM (Streb's homebase in Brooklyn) on Wednesday to take a rad trapeze class (pictures coming soon!) and decided not to go for the Streb audition later this month. I'm definitely not strong enough yet to fake my way through the stuff they'll be asking of me. Plus, it'll be a three-day audition that would force me to miss two days of pilates training, a day of work and another audition that I'm a lot more confident about. It doesn't seem like a worthwhile sacrifice. But, lucky me, because there were some technical issues with the trapeze that stopped the class for an hour and even though when all was corrected the crew stayed an hour later to teach the class anyway, I got a free class gift certificate! So I'm going back again in the next week or two. Fun!

4. I haven't seen Phil since June... about three months. He's been hitting me up constantly this last week. I'm pretty much ready to let go. I think he doesn't get that. The rest are starting to fall back... so strange. I think I'm repelling them. Because I don't feel so successful anymore and my cockiness is waning? Maybe.

5. It's hard to see people I danced with growing up or who are my age (or younger) become really successful dancers, while I'm struggling to find my way. I try not to compare because I know each one of us is different, with different strengths and different paths, but it's hard not to be envious. I want to be dancing full-time. I want to be a successful, admired, talked-about performer. So what am I doing? Am I doing it right? Am I making good decisions? These have been some of my rush hour thoughts all week. It's so busy in here!

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Moving Forward

I feel like I'm back at square one. I was really looking forward to dancing this season and now that I'm back on the auditioning circuit, I'm find very few projects that interest me. There are two upcoming auditions that I'm gearing up for:

STREB

A Brooklyn-based movement company that incorporates dance, athletics, circus arts, and theater in their work, truly wowing their international audiences and always pushing the limits of what man can do. I caught them a few years back at City Center and have since repeatedly found myself just a few degrees of separation between me and the Company. The three day audition will be tough because though I have some basic gymnastic moves down, I'm not confident in much else in terms of flips and tricks, climbing, swinging, and all that. It's bound to be a crowded and supremely competitive audition as well, because it's a full time gig with full health coverage and a teaching position at their school, S.L.A.M. They also tour internationally and work 28 weeks out of the year.
www.strebusa.org

LeeSaar

I auditioned for this company a year or two ago on a whim. I hadn't heard of them but they had substantial reviews and write-ups all over the web. It was a crowded audition. I made it to the second cut having impressed the duo with my improv. I wasn't kept because I choreography caught me out of my element. This time around there is no formal audition. They'll be inviting dancers from their open classes at DNA at the end of September. Modern Guest Artist Classes at DNA tend to be packed when the teacher is popular or there's word that a gig could come out of it.
www.leesaar.com

So Plan B is to land a gig this season that will pay me and keep me busy. Unfortunately for me, I'll have to rework my training and work schedule to take these auditions, but the prospect of landing either is well worth the sacrifice. Wish me merde!

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Nope... Not this time.

So... after three auditions, a week of trial rehearsals, and nervous waiting and waiting, I got a call from Chris this afternoon that I would not be moving forward with Misnomer after all. To be honest, I'm pretty relieved. There were several times last week it crossed my mind that maybe I couldn't see myself working with these people, doing this choreography, going in this direction professionally over the course of two years. It would've been a serious commitment and the reality is, I didn't feel very strongly about the work. I am very very grateful for the time I was able to spend with the Company and with Chris. It was a great time.

I'm surprising myself with my own resilience. Just a few weeks ago, when I was sure I hadn't made the cut, I was sulky and bummed out. Today, I feel like that something great is about to happen; like the universe is working on plan I don't know about yet and my turn is just steps away. I believe in the power of determination; by simply saying there is absolutely no way that I will not reach my goals and that success is certain for me, it will be. And this is what I'm saying. Not getting Misnomer has opened a huge chunk of calendar space for auditioning, working and exploring! I'm actually quite excited!

Stay tuned for the real thing!

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More New Lettuce Headshots

I love these photos! They were taken by Montana. From the bright Indian dress to the delicate jewelry to the beautiful handpicked lilies in my hair. I styled this photo myself, I did my own hair and makeup, and in the end, I felt proud with the results.

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Ain't Nothin but a Hoochie Mama (New Headshots)

I got a hold of my new headshots this week. Here's a peek at the first look. I was going for sexy urban chick, sporting the really expensive bathing suit I mentioned last week. I'm still debating on which of the three to settle on.





Which do you like?

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Lettuce on the Morning News!

So... a teacher at the school told me that he'd seen me on TV this morning. Fastforward to about 3:12 to see a tiny clip of me sing and dancing in that Migros Commercial I shot about a month ago. I look stupid.



Yaay for me and my UGLY mug!

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