I just gave up

There was a lot of quietness, but I said what I needed to and he explained himself. Now I give up. I still know what I want, but I'm settling for something else because I'm tired of being patient. So I give up. He won. I'm the loser in this relationship.

poop.

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I'm offended...

 but I shouldn’t be. What she said was in fact the truth, but I’m on my grind... unstoppable. I commend her for having the nerve, even if she's too dim to understand when it is and when it isn’t appropriate to speak out of turn. She just erks me, but that’s on me. It’s because she embodies the gross extreme of everything I loath in myself: her listlessness, her flakiness, her melodrama, her histrionics, her arrogance. I tell you, it surely tests my character, cause I just want to sucker-punch that silly bitch right in her jaw some days.

Oy!

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Here we are again...

I’m such a fool. I act so indignant until he gets me on the phone. Then... then, it’s just like everything’s cool and my anger evaporates. I know what I want. I’m sure of it, but takers are so hard to come by and I do really love the attention.

I suppose my fate isn't sealed. I mean, I haven’t made any promises to him. I could just be direct about it. I could just call him back right now and give him a piece of my mind. I could tell him that I think this whole thing is lame and I want out. No disappointment. No compromise. No nothing. Period.

But, it is brutally cold in my house (mom dukes doesn’t believe in turning the heat on until it falls into the 30s or until it's snowing) and he does have heat... and here we are again; like Jekyll and Hyde :(

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Meditation #5717 or As close as I allow myself

It occurred to me today that I may never ever attain my idea of success; it is all together possible that I may never master anything, that I'll never be recognized or awarded or published. Money might always be something I worry about. I may never be happy with myself as a creative or as a human being.

But then, immediately after this depressive morning epiphany, I had a change of heart. As swiftly as the rocking of the commuter train under me, I came to my senses. I'm still young. I still have so much life to live. That doesn't mean, however, that I have time to be lollygag. If I want to master my craft, I need to put myself in an environment that will support that. If I want recognition, I need squash my fears and allow myself and my work to be seen. I won't be successful unless I go out into the world and attempt to succeed...

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