It's hard to believe this year is coming to a close. Though even on the very first day, 2007 seemed like it was moving too fast. In the beginning, I couldn't help but feel pressure and anxiety. There was the move from the old studio and all the drama that came with the five-month transition period. Through all of it, I was wasn't taking class or auditioning and I spent a good portion of the first half of this year vaguely unhappy. All my affirmations and positive thinking never materialized into action that I could be proud of. I just felt like I wasn't involved in anything that was valuable to me or the grand scheme.
At some point in the middle of this year, something shifted. Sometime after the move and after settling into my new part-time position. Things were happening. I landed two movies and a video. I stage managed my first and second works. I made tons of connections. I brought people together. I could now proudly send out e-blasts regularly to friends and family urging them to support me and my progress. My energy was pulsing. And I was happy. As I am now. I am so proud of what I've done with myself in 2007 (yaay me!).
Of course, all things could do good by a little refinement. I made a list of resolutions this spring. I called it An Idiot's Guide to Fresher Lettuce (2007 Edition). Of the 8 items on the list, I can honestly state that I've not successfully accomplished a single one. And I don't think of this as failure. Life is continuous growth, constant work and/in progress. I've rebuilt the list, adding new items and revisiting the old ones. Please stay tuned for that epic post.
'Til then, have a happy and safe New Year Holiday.
Pou tout moun Haitienne: Bonne Année! Bonne Santé! And Happy Independence Day!!!
31 December 2007
Retrospective: Late bloom in 2007
23 December 2007
attaining a virtue
When there is something really important I need to remember to get done, I will write it somewhere on my hand--less important tasks end up on a to-do list. I want to get the word "patience" tattooed on my hand.
It's been well over a month since I've last posted and so much has happened since, mostly positive: I stood by my word and opened my online vintage shop; I taught two modern Master classes at the studio; I made a lot of money and was able to save a substantial amount of it; my creative juices have been flowing and I feel more in tuned with the Universal Rhythm than I've ever been!
Chizuru invited me to attend an introductory meeting at her temple this afternoon. She is a Buddhist and a member of Soka Gakkai International (SGI). This was my second visit to the temple. I'm always happy to be around Chizuru--she is such a beautiful and inspiring young woman. She embodies so much of what I want to see in myself. It's her patience is what I admire most. Even when someone is nasty to her or she is sad for what ever reason or anything like this, I've never seen her be short with someone or lose her calm, sweet, patient demeanor. She is such a rare and amazing person. What I love so much about her is that with all her beauty, she still knows how to be silly and human.
I want this sort of balance for myself. This idea (and several hundred others) came to mind while I chanted for about an hour over the course of the afternoon. I really struggle with defeating my own ego long enough to let other ideas in.
***SIDE NOTE: My patience is seriously being tested at this very moment. I'm having a conversation with my mother and as usual she finds some way to turn an innocent request for information into an attack on her where she is the victim and I'm the selfish, ungrateful piece of poo. It's takes everything in me to bite my tongue and let her go on and on, jumping from one random unrelated rant to another. I sincerely wish we were better communicators--that we understood each other. The problem is we never talk and when we do, it seems like we make up for it by tossing our individual resentments and struggles into the mix as well. We're starving for that verbal interaction and so we argue to make up for lost time. This argument will remain unresolved and we will continue to live as if there is no tension, until we have to speak to each other again about something. ***
So patience is what I'm chanting for. There are eight days left in this year and I've decided that it's plenty enough time to change my life. I accepted a 7-day challenge this afternoon. I will chant "Nam-myoho-renge-kyo" in the morning and in the evening every day for the next seven days. I will return to SGI to share my experience next weekend. Chizuru has offered to help me by remotely chanting with me the next three days (while the temple is closed for the holiday) and we will meet again on Thursday and Friday at the temple for 7:00 chanting. I believe that I am expected to join, but I'll see how this week goes. I'm always pumped at the beginning of a challenge (Master Cleanse, Yoga Week, jogging schedule, etc.), but my discipline begins to wane soon after. If I become an SGI member before I leave for Haiti, I will continue to chant throughout my journey. I've been connected with an SGI leader who travels to Haiti regularly.
There's so much more to say, but I'm tired now and I would like to go to work in the morning. So good night everyone :)
21 November 2007
I just gave up
There was a lot of quietness, but I said what I needed to and he explained himself. Now I give up. I still know what I want, but I'm settling for something else because I'm tired of being patient. So I give up. He won. I'm the loser in this relationship.
poop.
08 November 2007
I'm offended...
but I shouldn’t be. What she said was in fact the truth, but I’m on my grind... unstoppable. I commend her for having the nerve, even if she's too dim to understand when it is and when it isn’t appropriate to speak out of turn. She just erks me, but that’s on me. It’s because she embodies the gross extreme of everything I loath in myself: her listlessness, her flakiness, her melodrama, her histrionics, her arrogance. I tell you, it surely tests my character, cause I just want to sucker-punch that silly bitch right in her jaw some days.
07 November 2007
Here we are again...
I’m such a fool. I act so indignant until he gets me on the phone. Then... then, it’s just like everything’s cool and my anger evaporates. I know what I want. I’m sure of it, but takers are so hard to come by and I do really love the attention.
I suppose my fate isn't sealed. I mean, I haven’t made any promises to him. I could just be direct about it. I could just call him back right now and give him a piece of my mind. I could tell him that I think this whole thing is lame and I want out. No disappointment. No compromise. No nothing. Period.
But, it is brutally cold in my house (mom dukes doesn’t believe in turning the heat on until it falls into the 30s or until it's snowing) and he does have heat... and here we are again; like Jekyll and Hyde :(
01 November 2007
Meditation #5717 or As close as I allow myself
It occurred to me today that I may never ever attain my idea of success; it is all together possible that I may never master anything, that I'll never be recognized or awarded or published. Money might always be something I worry about. I may never be happy with myself as a creative or as a human being.
But then, immediately after this depressive morning epiphany, I had a change of heart. As swiftly as the rocking of the commuter train under me, I came to my senses. I'm still young. I still have so much life to live. That doesn't mean, however, that I have time to be lollygag. If I want to master my craft, I need to put myself in an environment that will support that. If I want recognition, I need squash my fears and allow myself and my work to be seen. I won't be successful unless I go out into the world and attempt to succeed...
30 October 2007
Sankofa: Lettuce goes to Haiti
It's finally happening y'all! I've just purchased my flight to Haiti (and at $99 each way -- cause I'm a hustla, kiiid)! I'm finally going to see where I come from, where blood lines run. I can't even begin to express my sheer gratitude and joy for this most important dream to actually become a real! I'm arriving in Port-au-Prince on January 7th and returning to New York on February 2 -- just in time for a new crop of ISVP students and Orientation on the 4th. Gosh! I'm going to meet my people and see my skies and learn my tongue and explore... and hopefully when I return to New York, I'll be a more humble and gracious person; grown and more sharply tuned in to my daily blessings. What I'm especially looking forward to is a bit of spiritual enlightening. I want to return a happier, or at least more fulfilled young lady.
I'm actually doing something I said I was going to do! And what a spectacular way to begin a year. I have to start working on my Idiot's Guide to Fresher Lettuce: 2008 Edition (stay tuned). Stripping down to the bear minimum. No accessories. No labels. No email. Just me and my family and my people and my growth.
29 October 2007
B(ack)logging: the weekend & what have you
So, I've been trying to be diligent about posting regularly and keeping this thing updated, but lately, I'm wondering what it's purpose is. I first approached it as a personal diary, but this blog is out for public judgment and I'm a generally private individual who's not interested in becoming less private... but it feels good to express my thoughts and ideas candidly (I've kept a journal of some sort since I was in elementary school)... but I've felt the sting of private thoughts exposed and secrets revealed. To be honest, I am not expressing myself fully in these entries. I would really love to post all the truly awful things that float around in my head. But I have no idea who reads this blog and I feel that it wouldn't really be in the best interest of anyone, especially myself, to rant and rave haphazardly about my life. So, what is the purpose of this blog? I guess to have a record to refer to that won't get lost (I tend to lose my journals regularly).
Onward. Many things to discuss:
It was Phil's birthday on Friday. I didn't call. I didn't go to his gigs. I was bummed, but I had a great weekend avoiding thoughts of him. Lenée was in town belatedly celebrating her berfday at Bembe. I passed through for a about an hour and headed home at around 11p, which was a shame because her peoples were so cool and had it not been for my 8:35 train the next morning, I would have enjoyed their company for a little while longer. There was one girl I really connected with. I can't remember her name, but I'm gonna try to get in touch with her. She lives in Philly and doesn't have a network page, but I added her to my mailing list so she can have an excuse to come back to New York soon :) I really am proud of myself for going out. I let loose without the aid of alcohol and I truly enjoyed myself. I picked up some Dumpling Man on the way up to Penn Station as a reward and promptly polished off 10 of those chicken jawns before my transfer at Jamaica :)
Saturday was a completely perfect day. I finagled my way into a six-hour teaching workshop with Urban Bush Woman that was so unbelievably valuable! I made some great new friends and I feel more prepared to consider an education in Dance Education. I finished all my prep work for Monday CPU in just a few hours and had time for a little online shopping on Etsy (I'm obsessed with this site!).
Sunday was a cold and I tried to do everything. I got some errands done. I finally trimmed my ends, about an inch everywhere. My fro looks much healthier now. I'm planning on putting twists in as soon as this apprenticeship is over and I have the time to work for the money to pay for it (:P). Then I went into the city to take class at DNA -- yoga with Constanza who is beautiful and powerful and has great smile. I recommend her. I then went to see ABT at City Center which was both annoying and inspiring. The first ballet, a Tudor work, had me nodding off through most of it. I haven't been so bored at a show since that LA incident (You don't wanna know... Ugh!). The corps was so unimpressive and the movement so dull, I considered walking out right then. But the next piece seemed much more promising. The Lar Lubavitch work starring Julie Kent was breathtaking. Kent is absolutely electrifying, though the corps, again, was seriously, remarkably boring. I don't get it. You're in the nation's top ballet company. How's about a little umph!? Capped the night off with a double order of Dumpling Man, seven of which were in my belly before my Jamaica transfer. What can I say, those things do something to me.
Now at some point this weekend, Phil called and left a message. I have a habit of forgetting my promises to myself. Sometimes, I can't remember why I need to be disciplined about some things. Like in this instance, I've spent a good part of today playing with the idea of returning his call, seeing him again and justifying it to myself by saying that this will be the absolute very last time that I see that man. And then, then, then I'm done. For sure. But that's what I always say and I always feel like a fool in the end, because it's the affection and the attention that I really crave. I think, I'm not that fond of sex, actually. What I love is the feeling of being wanted and feeling irreplaceable, which is what I feel in the few hours that we're together, but then that fades when we part ways the next afternoon and I don't hear from him for weeks. The whole thing's out of balance. He gets exactly what he wants and I trick myself into thinking that making him happy makes me happy, which is a lie and a nontruth!
I don't want to call him. I want a relationship. I want a boyfriend. I want consistency and effing consideration! And I know deep in my heart that this man is not able to give me what I want and I'm cheating myself by letting him just do whatever the hell he wants with me and my emotions. Bump that mess! I'm done. For reals.
25 October 2007
On: Benefitting The Tyler Dunn Foundation
The Tyler Dunn Foundation is an organization named after the ten-year-old son of a NYPD Officer who accidentally shot himself with his father's gun. What the Foundation aims at is supporting families who have dealt with a similar struggle; the organization raises money to assist with the financial burden that a a tragedy such as this would incur. Last night, the Foundation presented it's First Annual Benefit Performance at the Gerald Lynch Theater at John Jay College in New York City. Yours truly acted as stage manager, and I want to use this blog post to pat myself on the back for being the organized, calming force that made the show run as smoothly and as successfully as it did :)
Hoorah to me!
Not only was the theater donated, but so were the crew and staff! All the performers also volunteered their time and talent for the event, drawing a lively, supportive audience that raised over $2,000 for the cause! Though I can account for at least one diva (you know I can't handle no divas -- knock 'em right out of the sky), the artists were both humble and professional, showing me nothing but respect and kindness, and being just plain easy! I enjoyed myself. I saw great work. And I knocked an item off my 43things: to volunteer my time to an organization :) I hope I'm lucky enough to work for this wonderful Foundation again next year.
24 October 2007
On: My Etsy Shop or About this side hustle
Not too long ago, I stumbled upon a website that brings together buyers and sellers of vintage and handmade items. It houses hundreds of shops selling artwork, vintage patterns, clothing, housewares, accessories, an so much more. When Jess rummaged through our cellar last week, I came across 30+ pieces that I'm certain someone would fall in love with and would pay me for. The majority of the items are clothing that once belonged to my mother, but I found some of my own pre-school clothes, house decor, and tons of forgotten jewelry. The working name of my shop is laetiçia/vintagepieces. Dull, but it's the best I could come up with given my 'laeticiavp' user name :( We'll work on that. I'm most definitely taking suggestions.
I found a handful of silk and tulle church dresses that I want to take to a dress maker. I want them to be turned into more casual sun dresses -- strapless, keyhole backs, and halters. I would sell these and other reincarnated one-of-a-kind items (mens shirt as womens jacket, a-line wool skirt as trapeze cape, over-sized sweater as sweater dress, etc) similar to Urban Outfitter's Urban Renewal line, but mine would be much less tacky and far more beautiful. I also thought I'd try my hand at handmade. I want to learn to knit and crochet and sew and screen print and make unique things for me and my peoples.
I'm still working out the logistics. Most of the items need to be cleaned and patched. I need a model or a photographer. I'm scouting spaces to photograph (indoor? outdoor? living space? studio space?). I need a banner and a logo. I need a good strong name. I also need to find a steady source of vintage things for when mama's source dries up.
So much hustlin' to do. So little time. Stay tuned...
a weekend in images
went out to celebrate sams and sharon's birthdays and got myself a little puma reunion. I have a crush on the guy licking my face. I'd let him do that all day.
Celebrating Kelley and Ryan separate birthdays. I can't remember which party was who's, but I love these fools :)
Finally preciosa Lenée celebrated the day of her arrival on this earth at my favorite Brooklyn spot Bembe.
23 October 2007
On: Lettuce as Hipster?
According to my dear sister (who is so full of knowledge these days), I, Laetiçia J. Emmanuel, am a hipster. *I was a bit dismayed myself.* We don’t know how it happened, but, less the requisite trust fund (scoff!), she says I totally fit the bill:
• deep-seeded hatred for the hipster (check!)
• dramatic outrage at being labeled as such (check!)
• living space full of old things, mostly purchased in vintage or consignment shops (check!)
• rusty bike as choice mode of transport (check times two!)
• eclectic music collection of obscure artists, underrated legends, and a smattering of Top 40 guilty pleasures (check!)
That’s as far as I got (*suck teeth*) — while I recognize the above truth, I’d say that I’m missing a few of the essential hipster elements. The most basic, in my opinion, is the hipster's ability to suck soul out of the authentic at mind-blowing speeds: from a neighborhood, to a t-shirt, to a lifestyle, they turn what is truly and purely cool into watered-down lameness perfect for consumption by small-minded mall rats nationwide. Take a look a the hilarity that is New York's brand of hipster:
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Now playing: Bilal - White Turns To Gray
via FoxyTunes
22 October 2007
On: The man of my dreams!
I'm an eater. And if by chance I ever find myself stranded on an island in the middle of the sea, I would be content to survive on dumplings... but not just any ol' dumpling. A friend introduced me to this St. Mark's shop last year, and I try to make my way down there to get a fix when I can. It's cheap and the staff is quick and friendly. Of course the dumplings are delicious -- I usually get the seared veggie, stuffed with tofu, shitake mushrooms, and bok choy, dripping in spicy soy sauce (yumm!). I recently tried they're pumpkin dessert dumplings which I've been craving for days! Pumpkin pie mix with goji berries, raisins, honey, and condensed milk (mmmm mmm!). I want you to try.
My first venture into video hoedom
See if you can spot the 'fro... and the gums (curses!).
Don't blink or you'll miss me.
"Emily" by Ezra Reich
20 October 2007
B(ack)logging: befriending creatives, tightening my circle, losing a legend
I've been away. Inconsiderately neglecting my one and one-half readers, off attempting to live a life worth blogging about. I thought to post separate entries for each of the listed items, but then decided against it after seeing the hour. I have many things to share and if I don't get it all down now, it will fall out of my head.
1) I've been meditating on the idea of finding creative compatibility among the people I know -- liking the people with whom I create and creating with people I like.
My sister and I are polar opposites in just about every respect, but the most distinctive difference between us is in the way we relate to others, our approach to relationships. Jessica is a witty, outgoing, smart, beautiful young woman with exotic, yet friendly features, a carefree attitude, and an wholesome belief that all people have at least some goodness, and so she treats them as such until they show they're figurative asses. She's a typical Libra: magnetic, casual, born to be social. Upon first meeting us, you may immediately notice the stark contrast. I am reserved and slow to initiate or alter the pace, direction, or depth of a relationship on any level -- I am an extreme follower in that respect. I need to have a clear understanding of the association and all possible trajectories as early on as possible, because being unsure makes me uneasy. I'm a “cuspian”, cursed with a double helping of shameful insecurities (bah!): Cancer is severely protective of her soft bits and will crawl into her shell until she feels it's safe to come out; Leo is always questioning, doubting, and it's fear (of rejection, humiliation, exposure) that keeps her away from people she can't easily read, or more accurately, people who read her more quickly. To top that, my looks are unremarkable, generic, vaguely African (Nigerian is the popular assumption these days), resembling a visiting cousin of high school friend many years ago, maybe. I think people find me inaccessible, familiar but not memorable.
Anyway, so I have a hard time with relationships, but I've been thinking about how much more well off I'd be in terms of my career, my love life, my general happiness, if I were better at them. Life is about relationships: collecting them, nurturing and maintaining them, letting them go. My life is about creating. Why aren't I more invested in relationships with people who create and inspire for a living? I live for the connection I have with Jessica. Why don't I have more of something close to that?!
2) I have a coworker who I once admired for his boldness against "cultural authorities", his breadth of knowledge, and, in spite of his obvious greatness, his unwavering humility. I wanted him to be my mentor. I wanted to learn from him and absorb his spirit. But then... but then he found Jesus and lost his damn mind. As it turns out, he's miles away from humble, obscenely arrogant actually, and far from saved. And he's a pathological liar who won't own up to his wrong doings! He condescends and then rants about lack of support from his peers. I have no need for him in my life.
As of this moment, I'm done with that man too.
3) Once, this guy asked me out on MySpace. He brought me to a swank vegan restaurant in the Village and then to SOBs to see Lucky Dube. He was doing all the right things: very gentlemanly, lots of compliments. But, to be honest, he lost me at “hello”. I didn’t forget Lucky Dube though – crazy energy, beautiful music, cool crowd. I fell in love instantly. Just a few days ago, the reggae legend was gunned down in front of two of his seven children. Read here
May his music be testimony to his greatness, may he rest in peace.
07 October 2007
On: blessings, praying for karma & a bronze sculpture that perfectly captures my take on my relation to others
1) My sister came home today... hooray! She's the most beautiful person I know and I feel blessed to have the relationship we have. We inspire each other. We encourage each other. We slap sense into each other and laugh and laugh and enjoy each other's company. I love (♥) that cocoa string bean!
2) My boss told me about an author who once said, if your problems can be solved by throwing money at them, they're not very interesting problems [paraphrase]. Now whether or not that negates the weight or validity of any particular problem in the grand scheme of things is debatable, but I sure feel blessed for my experience of life. I like to think that I'm tough enough to take on my own ego and that the more I war with it -- the more I choose to shut down my negative thoughts, to actually be happy and fulfilled, to be the ruler off my emotions, to make my days worthwhile -- the more certain I am that my problems are hardly that! I asked Chizuru to bring me meditation beads and a prayer book. I need to be more vocal about my gratitude. I'm grateful for the way my mother annoys me. I'm grateful for my period. I'm grateful for my aches after ballet class. I'm grateful for my father's bunions. I'm grateful for my 2 hour commute. I'm grateful for my job and my craft and this life that I don't take enough advantage of! I'm grateful because any one of those things could be taken from me in a blink, but this moment right now is mine.
3) I don't want to be a vengeful person. I think jealousy is an exhaustive waste of an emotion that has never done anyone any good ever in the history of the world. I've often pondered the usefulness of jealousy and I've come to the conclusion that it can only get you shot or stabbed. I get angry with myself when I allow my ego to slip into that pool of self-pity... when I let it point fingers and tear down others. And I've come a long way from the old me who would ask "... but why?!" but I still need to learn to let myself lose a fight, to just let a muthafucka go! I also have to remember that karma is real and it works when it needs to. Balance is important and I need to be worried about maintaining my own, and not about trying to upset someone else's.
4) Back to the topic of throwing money at a problem, I gotta figure out a way to get more of it. I'm launching an aggressive campaign/grand scheme to get a lot of money into my bank accounts, like yesterday. More details soon come...
5) Image of the Week: Misunderstanding a Clown
... but at least he sees me (sigh).
05 October 2007
Feeling bummed about ol' boy :(
I just can't help feeling used and discarded. I sent Phil a text on Wednesday to let him know that he was on my mind. I should have thought out the possible scenarios, but at that moment, it just hadn't occurred to me that he would be cold. And not a word since. I don't get it. Why be a jerk? I take the blame for setting myself up.. again. If I kept my own promise, I wouldn't have gone looking for an ego stroking. So, I guess this is how it will be. I've deleted his number and all his messages. I've totally dropped the ball on developing me, so I vow from this moment forward that I've quit that man and can't nothing move me.
View blog reactions04 October 2007
Wishlist #1: City Cycles
As I mentioned last week, I'm big on the two-wheeled mode of transportation. Cheap, quick, convenient, and healthy. Plus trés glam when I'm atop the saddle.... booooyyy! I truly do love the two bikes I've inherited... Stella and Applebaum have been real good to me, but they're aged. Don't get me wrong, I respect the vintage. I think, though, that investing in a brand new bicycle, something more comfortable, lighter, and safer, would be a bright idea. Even better, receiving a shiny new cruiser or coaster from someone who cares, would be doubly excellent :)
Here are three items on my Transport Wishlist, you choose:
The Electra Amsterdam Classic 3 (approx. $550) in black, features 3 speed coaster brake, pinstripe fenders with matching coat/skirt guard (!), rear luggage rack, a generator headlight, and an LED tail light. Real Eurochic like, yea?
I saw this beaut in the bike shop near my mom's house. I'm not too keen on the mint color, but you know, it's kinda sharp. The Raleigh Shimano Coasting 2008 (approx. $450) features three-speed auto shifting system, kick back coaster brakes, front rack with built in bottle opener (!), swept back handle bars cased in leather and sofa-comfy saddle. Fly 'til I die hoes!
The Giant Citystorm designed by Michael Young (unsure of price, but if you read chinese, you let me know). This green color with honey comb pattern is the least "asian school girl" -esque of the four choices. This bike is real techno boogie featuring an eight-speed gear system, integrated lock with bullet- and cut-proof wire made of steel and Kevlar, integrated headlight, an adjustable rear light that can be mounted on the seat or rear rack, beautifully designed mud guards, a clock built into the handle bar, and a crazy chic easy attach/remove saddle bag that matches the bike's color options(!). I'm a Taipei urban sophisticate up in this bitch, kiiiiiiid!
Now, I don't claim to be an aficionado by any means. I'm not an athletic biker. I don't plan on riding mountain trails or becoming a bike messenger. I just need a bike that gets me around the city and keeps me looking fresh to def at the same time! These bikes are attractive and practical and if you want to buy one for me, holler!
03 October 2007
On: Diagnosing the twins (part deux) or It turns out I was over reacting
I went to get a sonogram this afternoon. I had a mini breakdown on Monday when I went online to research the possible causes of my once pussing and now bleeding nipple. Breast cancer was the first choice on every site I visited. It's funny how fear can totally blur one's ability to think rationally. Of course a nipple piercing can't cause cancer and all logical signs point to a low level infection or a simple blockage of normal fluid, possibly scar tissue, that's erupted. Both a nuisance, but both generally harmless. And so, I've worried myself over nothing really. The doctor says I should just wait it out, that it's likely to go away on it's own, and that it's not necessary to operate on it. pheeeww!
01 October 2007
Preach Björk!
Björk on Big Breakfast reciting "The Object" by Alma Luz Villanueva
I came to an epiphany last night, that great physical connection isn't worth sacrificing my absolute desire for a healthy and loving romantic relationship. I spent the evening with Phil, and even though physically we were as intense as ever and the conversation was relatively global, but lovely, there was something very strange going on between us otherwise. It could be because we haven't been so close in nearly a year; could be his new, cramped apartment; could be that we know for sure (or at least I do) that a relationship between us would be disastrous; could be that the smoke screens are cleared and though there's still a lot we don't know about each other, we know what we want and we know what the deal breakers are between us.
I miss those googly-eyed feelings I had for him a year ago. I just miss feeling desired in a more than physical way; feeling as though someone's got me on their mind, wondering about my day and my well being; who adores me and wants to shower me with love. But I can sense that he's not interested in doing that for me anymore. I know for sure what I want though and if he won't give it to me, I will be patient and allow someone who will to find me.
30 September 2007
Image of the Week: H U G (Pedro & I)
25 September 2007
On: Getting around without a license bitches :P
So, I've inherited two bicycles from a pair a of my mother's patients who no longer need them. Both are vintage women's bikes, trés classy and super cool-dee-la. One, Applebaum, is a green & white Schwinn cruiser with fenders and a front rack, fun for riding on bike paths and the low traffic area in lower Manhattan. I'm still working on improving it. I want to add a black back rack and I'm debating on whether to install a rear wicker basket (Does that take away form the cool? I can't tell). If remove the front rack, I can mount a Phantom fender light. Check out these fine items rightchyer:
Yesir! I know... you don't gotta tell me bitches!
The other, Stella, is a purple Ross Professional Gran Tour with a back rack and side hanging folding baskets, my default errands-running bike. The woman who owned before me also left my mother a trunk of vintage clothing including three fur coats and shoes... beautiful precious shoes. To pay respects to this wonderful woman, I only ride Stella with heels on ;)
22 September 2007
Images from the H U G Performance
Enjoy these images from the H U G Performance taken by one of the photographers who followed us the entire trip. We traveled from Union Square uptown on the east side to the Museum of Natural History across the park and downtown to the African Burial Ground Memorial (which is under construction) and the World Trade Center site. What I interpreted as the purpose of this project was to present a silent peace protest in the form of a site-specific performance art piece. I think the original vision include 20 or so couples embracing for 3 minutes at several locations around the city that harbor intense negative energy. The locations were all in Manhattan and were voluntarily submitted by random New Yorkers to the H U G Performance email address, along with a short description of the traumatic event they experienced there (as in a mugging or a death or a breakup, etc.) or a historic event that happened there. Our intension was to attempt to eliminate the negative energy in these public space and in turn helping the submitters grieve. I approached the project as if it were an exercise in meditation -- spreading my light for peace.
I must admit that I had a lot of trouble getting into the moment of the entire process. At the time of the final rehearsal, there were only 6 couples, which I think considerably lessened the intended effect and energy of the piece. When we left the Conflux Festival headquarters at noon, we were all amped to get to our first location and get through the 10 following sites the project would bring us to. We practiced with our partners (mine was Pedro... lucky me!), read the stories and memorized our positions. The first at Union Square was easy, and the next few continued to be easy, but by the time we got to the Museum and crossed the park, the physical exhaustion set in. We hit 7 locations in about 3 hours on foot and subway, approximately 70 blocks! And the action of the three-minute hug is taxing on the body as well. A couple has to negotiate weight change, balance, comfortable placement of limbs and skulls, etc.; individually, find a position that is comfortable is hard to pin point in just one step to your partner and because Julie (the director) wanted us to appear rooted and still for 3 whole minutes, voluntary weight shifting was out of the question.
Now, during the east side trip uptown, we inspired a lot of curiosity. It was when we arrived at the scene of a mugging at Port Authority on 41st Street that the heckling broke me down. The area west of Times Square is the stomping grounds of toothless junkies, street dwellers and all sorts of riffraff -- not exactly an ideal site for performance art. Unsurprisingly, we were heckled for three whole minutes. I being the only black female in the group, I received the brunt of the nasty comments and I broke from my embrace feeling pretty shitty. Finding myself at the African Burial Ground Memorial site a half hour later, I couldn't digest the weight of the place. My mind wouldn't stop. And when we made our way to World Trade, the last site, one person short, over an hour behind schedule and in the middle of p.m. rush, my thoughts began to clear. It was two days after the 6th Anniversary and construction had begun. The boom of metal against earth, the bustle of evening rush, fatigue, the heat and scent of my partner -- all of this slowed my mind, brought me back to the moment and to my purpose. I was beaming with gratitude and peace.
I hope I was able to share it.
16 September 2007
Blogging from the board... again
I've always wanted the type of friendship that felt more like marriage, a real best friend. I mean Jess is my best friend by default, but she lives so far away and she's my sister. I wish I had a buddy to go shopping with and chat with 'til the wee hours who wasn't blood related. Camille used to carry that distinction, but since she's started her family and I've become more proactive in developing a substantial career for myself, our relationship has taken a back seat. We still have fun when we get together, but it's so rare that we actually get together these days. This isn't to say that a friendship needs to be about spending every waking moment with a person. I mean, when I was away at school or when we could only spend weekends as a crew, our friendship was still teflon strong. It just seems that now priorities have changed between all of us and we're just starting to drift apart.
A long time ago, I wouldn't have believed that the day would ever come. But now that it has, at a time when I'm okay with letting things, people, patterns go, I'm willing to accept our new abbreviated friendship and move on. There are so many amazing people out there in the world... so many potential best friends. And I will always love my Camille like my own sister :)
15 September 2007
3 baby cakes -- one for each decade
I went to visit Anjali in her handsome south Billyburg digs this afternoon for a little funtime playdate eating little cakes, royal nail painting, makeup makeovers and a too short thrift shop excursion (lucky bitch has two just yards away from her door!). She's such a sweet lady and if I were ever inclined to do so, I would do her. She just turned 30 last week and so I brought her three tiny cakes. We talked about relationships and life as a starving artist and finding happiness in knowing what we want and trying to find the courage to just go get it. Good conversation and delicious cakes with a beautiful lady. I wish I had more friends like her.
11 September 2007
H U G Performance (NYC) by Julie Troost
08 September 2007
I need to poo
... and I'm blogging at the board. I'm on my rag + I may be hyperemotional but I hate this show. I been losing sleep on this shit?
View blog reactions07 September 2007
Music Survey I taxed from Lenée
List 10 musical artists that you like:
2. Nina Simone
3. Miles Davis
4. Michael Jackson
5. The Roots
6. Outkast
7. Bob Marley
8. Björk
9. Stevie Wonder
10. Erykah Badu
What was the first song you ever heard by 6?
Elevators on ALTiens
What is your favourite album of 8?
That's tough... is it cheating to say a playlist a friend made for me a few years ago? I guess Vespertine.
What is your favorite lyric of 5?
I don't know. My absolute favorite song from the group doesn't feature Black Thought actually. My favorite lyrics would fall somewhere in Something in the Way of Things by Amiri Baraka on Phrenology.
What are your three of your favorite songs by 7?
Natty Dread, Is This Love?, Redemption Song
What are your favorite three songs by 2?
Four Women, The Desperate Ones, Mississippi Goddamn!
What are your three favorite songs by 10?
I Want You, Green Eyes, Didn't Cha Know?
What is your favorite album by 1?
Oi! If I must... Confusion/Gentlemen.
How did you get into 4?
Bad was the first LP I ever bought with my own money.
What are your three favorite songs by 3?
Giant Steps (of course!), Blue Traine, Autumn Serenade (with Johnny Hartman... swoon!)
What is a good memory concerning 2?
Creating a dance/character inspired by this woman and landing the most rewarding gig of my life.
Is there a song by 8 that makes you emotional?
Sonnets/Unrealities XI or Declare Independence
What are your three favorite songs of 1?
It's impossible to pick just three! But with out thinking about it too much... Shakara, Confusion, Water No Get Enemy
What is your favorite song of the 9 artist?
Just one?! I think As, because I have so many memories to accompany it.
1. Of all the bands & artists in your collection, which one do you have the most of?
Outkast
2. What was the last song you listened to?
Elliptical by Me'shell Ndegeo'cello with Sy Smith on The Article 3 EP
3. What's in your CD player right now?
I don't listen to CD's anymore... but the last album I downloaded was some of Kenna's latest effort. Good shit.
4. What is your favorite instrument?
Alto Saxophone of course.
5. Who's your favorite local band?
one of Phil's. I'm sprung I know... cut me some slack!
6. What was the last concert you attended?
Afro-Punk Festival 2007 at BAM
7. What was the greatest concert you've ever been to?
I don't see a lot of live music, but a few years ago I went to CurrentTV's launch event at Central Park featuring De La Soul, Fishbone, and Lauryn Hill. Definitely a musical highlight in my life.
8. What's the worst band you've ever seen in concert?
I gotta say Femi Kuti at Summer Stage 2006 was thoroughly unimpressive to me.
9. What band do you love musically but hate the members of?
uhm... I don't think this question applies to me. I can't think of an answer.
10. What is the most musically involved you have ever been?
I auditioned for Bill T. Jone's tribute to Fela. I killed the dance section, but I bombed my little sax solo... it was beyond embarrassing!
11. What show are you looking forward to?
They've all passed... there's so much that I've missed this summer! I hope I can redeem myself next year.
12. What is your favourite band shirt?
I own a hoodrat ass "Jigga" t-shirt that I wore to death when I was like 14.
13. What musician would you like to hang out with for a day?
Me'shell Ndgeo'cello seems like she'd be a real cool down to earth lady.
14. What musician would you like to be in love with you for a day?
Hmm... I'd enjoy watching Rich Medina losing his cool over me ;)
15. What was your last musical "phase" before you wizened up?
I used to be a fanatic for N*SYNC... Dirty POP!!!
16. Sabbath or solo Ozzy?
How about Common or Black Thought? Ruminate on that shit.
17. Did you know that filling out this survey makes you a music geek?
Yo mama.
18. What was the greatest decade for music?
The 70s.
19. What is your favorite movie soundtrack?
The soundtrack to the very first musical I saw on Broadway. It was later made into a movie starring Whoopee Goldberg: Sarafina!
20. What would you be without music?
sad and crankier. [edit]
03 September 2007
Meditation #5501 or I've been thinking of him about as much
... as normal, but lately I wonder if he thinks about me too. Then today he sent a text asking what I was up to today and if I wanted to go to the Labor Day Parade. He sent it while I was at work and I caught it on the way to the theater around 5:00p. I felt sad that I didn't catch it earlier, but I'm happy that he thought to write to me. I'm happy that he wanted my company.
View blog reactions01 September 2007
Ezra Reich's Music Video for Emily
I haven't posted in while (since mid-July actually... all the entries you see for August were post-posted), mostly because I've been having trouble organizing my thoughts in a coherent manner -- I haven't had much time or energy to put any sort of order to my messy head. I've been on auto-pilot for the last few weeks, just trying to make it through one day at a time. I'm super fatigued and fending off stress induced illness, but I'm so grateful for the busyness. I would much rather be juggling multiple projects and losing my sanity than laying in bed obsessing over what I'm not doing. Anyways, the dust is settling, so I figured I'd get ahead of myself a bit and share some of what I've been doing to keep myself moving.
These images were taken on the set of Ezra Reich's music video for Emily, a snappy, quirky little ditty about a girl who broke his heart, I think. I answered the casting call on Craigslist for hot dancers. We rehearsed in an SVA class room and shot in West Village. There was a lot of cheesy choreogarpahy, and lip syncing, and sequins and gratuitous hand slips by the artist (!), but the 12-hour day (unpaid!) was all around good fun. It was also a good lesson on staying positive and professional in the face of fatigue, superegos and amateurs. Lucky for me, both the choreographer, Chris, and the Director, Mike (?), took a liking to me. Plus Chloe (from Agora II) was a dancer in the video as well, so it was easy to be comfortable and have a good time. I appear twice in the video, once as a silver Ezra Girl and again as a regular New Yorker. When the video is ready for viewing, I'll post it. In the mean time, you can check out the track on Ezra's website: www.ezrareich.com
View blog reactions31 August 2007
On: Finding a job on Craigslist that turns out to be much more work and much less pay than you had expected
I've recently discovered the power of Craigslist. I've gotten many gigs through this marvelous online community: that Ezra Reich shoot, a few artistic modeling jobs, and most recently, a stage managing and lighting design gig for a film/play that runs through the end of September.
I was ecstatic to get a call back from the director, so much so that I hadn't thought to ask what would be asked of me and in what time frame. Had I mulled over it a bit longer, I would have thought the posting questionable: why has the director posted a request for an SM only three weeks before opening night?!?! I should have known what I was getting myself into. Now, because I'd already committed to SM Jen and JD's readings next month and this Urban Bush Women thing seems to be holding up, I had to sacrifice working Tamilla & Co. this go around. It's hard for me not to regret this decision, but I feel that if I can pull this gig off, with all the work that needs to be done (find a set, hang & focus, build cues, get more instruments, confirm rehearsal schedules, blocking notes, prop list, organizing online box office (!), finding assistants, and on and on...) and with the sort of theater we're working in (dismal budget, seriously understaffed, volunteer executive director)... if I can make this work, I think I can do anything!
30 August 2007
On: Finding an idol in Ezra Caldwell (there goes that idea!)
Earlier this summer, when I first bought a ten class card at DNA and when I first discovered Ezra Caldwell's class, I vowed to find the courage and make time to take it. I took it for the first time on my birthday and then again later that week. I was obsessed! I wanted to take his class all the time, but I could only afford to switch my schedule to allow one class a week, which was better than nothing. With my new goal of running 100 miles this summer and the extreme physical demand of Ezra's class, I ended up with an injury that left my knees feeling sort of loose. I took a break for a while.
I found out earlier last month from Asami that Ezra would be ending his dance career, effectively quitting his teaching gig at DNA on 30 August. I couldn't believe it! I finally get the courage to take the man's class then he up and retires on me! I had dreams of being as strong as his regulars. So strong. I took his class for the third and final time last Wednesday, and I'm sad.
Ezra is also a fantastic photographer. Here are some images he took while teaching class and rehearsing.
22 August 2007
On: Not Landing that Dream Interview
I researched for a week ahead of time. How to act, how to dress, what to ask, where to look. I spent about $200 at H&M and Aldo. I got a portfolio that I didn't use. I bought a leather folder that I didn't use. My hair was all wrong. I missed the early train. I couldn't print my resume (which I didn't need anyway!) and showed up 5 minutes late (a good SM is always early!!!). I was sweating everywhere. I didn't speak enough. I think my questions didn't make sense. Those damn shoes hurt like crap. And I didn't get the job. After all that.
It was an internship with the technical crew for Bill T. Jone/Arnie Zane Dance Company. My resume and email were good enough to get me an interview, but my schedule conflicted with theirs. So. My second attempt to get close to the Company has failed (the first being the Fela audition which I royally bombed with my novel rendition of "Giant Steps"... the face on poor Bill!). Twice was the charm for UBW. Maybe I'll get lucky the third time.
21 August 2007
On: Diagnosing the twins
I have to get a sonogram. She said it was an infection, I took the pills and nothing changed. The doctor said she'll have to remove the hard bit whatever the results are, but she wants to be sure of what the thing is. I don't want surgery. I don't want anyone coming near my precious tits with a sharp object.
15 August 2007
On: My first Stage Managing Gig!
I answered a call on Dance/NYC for volunteers for a short dance piece choreographed by Isabella Bruno to be featured in The American Living Room Festival. I was actually meant to audition for the choreographer on two separate occasions, but that never happened. Soon, she sent a request out for someone willing to stage manage the piece. Course, I've never actually done this, in the traditional sense, but I've run many a board and I assisted Ashley for Launch, so I figured I could learn quick and make it work.
So, we met and Isabella is cool. I came to a rehearsal and I thought her idea for "Quirk" was great, though it could have used some refining and more rehearsal time with the volunteers. The whole concept centered around the individual habits and daily routines of ordinary people. She rehearsed for three months with a group of four dancers around whom the piece revolves. They mime everyday activities like making coffee, getting dressed, and applying makeup. The 20 or so volunteers act as background bodies, filling the space for the quartet to move around, fight through, to instigate and be provoked. The bulk of the piece is inspired by the subway; the way people isolate themselves in a crowded box. I loved the way she contrasted the close-knit relationship between the quartet against the sort of removed and independent "chorus". She set the work to a soundtrack, comprising a handful of songs by The Books, which I enjoyed immensely. I think the music doesn't always have to make the piece. In "Quirk", the music accompanies the piece.
So, stage managing is such a rush. Different than the rush I might get while performing, but the adrenaline is there. It's more of a cerebral buzz. The excitement of the countdown to show time; the moment when house opens and the audience begins to pour in (both nights were sell outs!); "house out", "music go", "lights go".... and they begin and it's nonstop from there. A good SM is on it. She knows the movement and the music by heart. She know when to do what and how to fix what goes wrong. She is calm under pressure and never transmits her anxiety to her crew or the choreographer or the performers. She's cool as a cucumber. That is I. I had a blast and I can't wait to do it again.
03 August 2007
Meditation #5499 or "It's about the quality of your expression" -Amiri Baraka
I believe that art imitates life, that it is a representation of the an environment, that my message is my interpretation of ideas that are shared by others. Art testifies to a time, a people and a way of life. Let's take for example the argument that the rapper is not a poet. One could argue that both poetry and hip hop culture are so diverse in their subject matter and methods of delivery, that it is impossible to make a blanket statement such as this. Or that rappers who make songs that degrade women and glamorize crime culture are simply imitating the life they know. Or that the art form in fact fuels the fire, and that a change in the subject matter could change the environment.
Amiri Baraka says "it's about the quality of your expression"; that saying something with the purpose of saying something is art. Rappers out for fame and fortune are not artists, they are vehicle for exploitation. Tupac was a poet.
01 August 2007
Proust Questionnaire
What is your idea of perfect happiness?
A feeling that I am needed by someone, for love or inspiration; a sense that there is no one in this world who can replace me.
What is your greatest fear?
To find myself an dying woman alone and giving in to regret.
What is the quality you most like in a man?
The power to influence his environment. I am most attracted to men who inspire me to be grow.
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
My naiveté, in life experience and in my ability to communicate.
What is your greatest extravagance?
Daydreaming.
Which historical figure do you most identify with?
I wish I were better educated in historical figures to answer this question accurately.
I would identify with the Every Woman. If there ever was a woman who struggled to understand her own beliefs while balancing the responsibilities of career and family, I would study her path to success.
What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Confidence in her femininity, and all the while humble in her demeanor.
What is your greatest regret?
I try to live a life without regret; acknowledging remorse for the past will not change it. I just try and learn from the less fulfilling moments.
Which talent would you most like to have?
The ability to communicate in every language.
What is your current state of mind?
Self-aware.
What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
I think there are none. I think also, that people confuse courage with coping or necessity.
Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
I want to think about it more, but the first that comes to mind is Santiago of the Alchemist. I absolutely believe in finding an internal rhythm to guide you and not allowing fear or guilt keep you from experiencing the best life possible.
Who are your heroes in real life?
Matante Michaelle
What is your favorite occupation?
Finding someone to fall in love with.
What is it that you most dislike?
Dishonesty and arrogance.
When and where were you happiest?
1. Alone meditating on my thoughts.
2. That first kiss.
3. Dancing all night to Fela.
What do you dislike most about your appearance?
I think I appear dim to some.
Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
"like", "uhm". When I pay attention to eliminating these from my vocabulary, I find that I'm a much more eloquent and creative speaker.
What is your most marked characteristic?
Others would probably say that it is my smile or that I'm always happy.
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
I would like to be more articulate, in movement, thought, and communication.
What or who is the greatest love of your life?Creating. [edit] Doing
What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Losing all memory of the people I love.
Who are your favorite writers?
I'm lucky that I find new favorites with every book I've read; Toni Morrison, Flannery O'Connor, Zadie Smith.
If you could choose what to come back as, what would it be?
There's a comedian who jokes about coming back as a rich white woman's poodle. There's a thought.
What is your motto?
"Life is what you make of it."
How would you like to die?
I want to pass knowing that my life was an event worth remembering.
What do you consider your greatest achievement?
My life thus far.
What is your favorite journey?
The one that I've planned for the end of this year. I haven't worked out all the specifics, but I'm hoping to celebrate the new year in Haiti. Stina will meet me there with her husband. I'm not sure if we will stay with my father's family or my mother's -- I could conceivably stay with both. I'm just not sure of what Stina has in mind for the trip. I plan on gaining a greater understanding of my culture. I suspect that when I return to New York, I will be a more worldly woman, or at least I'll be able to speak the language.
31 July 2007
New Headshot?
This image was taken my a man named Arkady with a 40-year-old large format camera. I had to sit totally still for about a minute while he focused and finally took the shot. He only selected three shots for his web gallery, this being one of them and my absolute favorite. I would like to use it as my headshot, but it needs some retouching because I don't have perfect skin and the bags under my eyes take away from that fresh youthful appearance I'm going for here.
View blog reactions23 July 2007
24 on an almost ordinary day.
Today, I turned 24 and it was a Monday like any other, almost. It isn't everyday a girl gets to leave work mid-day to take class, but I took full advantage and traipsed down to Dance New Amsterdam in the rain to take Ezra Caldwell's class which I'd been eying sheepishly for sometime. His is one of the most physically demanding classes I'd ever experienced and I felt strong for making my way through it. When I got back to the office, Bon surprised me with a long yellow dress and a Cold Stone raspberry cheesecake flavored ice cream cake which was delicious! Birthday wishes from students and staff and friends and family made me feel loved and blessed for all of the people in my life.
View blog reactions17 July 2007
Meditation #5376 or I'm a monster.
I have trouble finding sympathy for most things, people, situations. I admit to feeling overwhelmed by the current events, what with the wars, the hunger, the disease and the history repeating over and over... it can get me into a funk very quickly. I mostly feel that all that is bad in the world is beyond my control. That the ice caps will melt and the rain forests will disappear and children will continue to die and a war will always be fought. I would consider myself spoiled, having never gone hungry or penniless. I get offended when I hear white folks' conversations about what's good for the poor. I think: "That ho has no idea what it is to be broke. She never lived on food stamps. She never been homeless. That uppity ass bitch!" Then what am I? I've never been hungry and never been homeless; and I roll my eyes at the rash of young "homeless" people who line 14th street, cardboard placards and desperate pets in tow; and I sometimes want to trip the beggars on the train who, in their fresh Tims, will harass you for your hard earned quarter, but suck teeth when you give 'em a bit of food(!). Beggars apparently have the right to be choosers in New York City.
View blog reactions10 July 2007
Untitled (Original)
More images from our good friend Riichi. His website is up; visit www.riichiyamaguchi.com to view more of his work.
View blog reactions05 July 2007
Meditation #5291 or Equation of a whole me
It's way easier to be a good employee when I have the privilege of a few days off from said employer. I can say I appreciate my position at the school much more when I can separate myself from it. I'm a much happier person when all the major components of my life are tended to. When the creative and the career find a place to coexist, I find that I'm more motivated.
There are, however, elements of me that I have not been able to nurture, particularly my spiritual. I lost my faith in the Christian church shortly after my father died and it wouldn't be totally true to blame my lose of faith on the lose of my father. I think I've come to terms with his passing for the most part. Organized religion and its many denominations isn't attractive to me, but I know that I will find happiness once I've developed a healthy spirit.
03 July 2007
On: Losing the twins or I'm overreacting
I've adopted a habit of writing, when ever possible, whatever thoughts come to mind in my notebook and letting them develop on the pages. When it isn't convenient to whip it out, I try to focus on one thought long enough for the ideas to jell. I get annoyed when people say they have ADD. I lump ADD in the same category as Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny. I think, for myself, my creative energy is blocked and so my thoughts just sort of pile up on top of themselves, half complete and fleeting.
It's been an invaluable help. I've made myself a loose five-year plan and thought through my ultimate life goals. I've created a to-do list with ultimatums and such. I've made a growing list of reoccurring thoughts for meditation. I feel like peace is not far away.
I found something strange behind my left nipple yesterday. It's feels like a hardened duct. It doesn’t appear on my right breast. I was petrified at once, nerves humming, heart rate gaining momentum. Had I done this to myself? The moment my mother discovered my jewelry, she blurted that I'd get cancer. Nonsense, I thought then. After three years, the piercing has not totally healed. I have no pain, no discomfort. As coincidence would have it, the strange thing sits on the left side of my breast, the same side as the hole in my nipple that hasn’t healed. My family has a laundry list of hereditary ailments, both harmless (bunions, dry skin, excess hair) and depressive (sickle cell anemia, stomach ulcers, uterine cysts). My father may have died of lung cancer, his mother lost a seven-year battle against breast cancer. I wrote the following thought as it came to me on the express train to work this morning:
I'm not so much worried about dying too soon as I am about losing a body part or an organ, something close to me that I've grown to know and love. I love my breasts and the thought of losing them makes me sad. What could replace them? I'm scared of the end of affection, and of living abnormally, or of carrying more secrets, being even more self-conscious. "Dying is easy, it's living that's pain" (lyric from Cotton Eyed Joe by Terry Callier); that unstoppable train, its chugging and whistling still faint in the far, far distance, to come into view some day, any day. Inevitable, no matter the protests. I'll make peace when she comes. I just don't want a difficult life in the mean time.
My goal is to leave this earth with all my pieces. I pray that I can look back at my life and tell the people who have come to say goodbye that I was happy and that I did not fail at life, that I was a success.
01 July 2007
Tiombe Lockhart @ BAMCafe
I went up to the BAMCafe for the first time last night to catch Tiombe Lockhart perform as part of the AfroPunk Festival. I had to take these on the sly because there was security there and photoging was prohibited. Whatevs man. Sodi gave me some tracks of hers last year and I fell for her instantly. Her songs are great and her voice is unique. Her style is pretty fly too. Like so many would be songbirds out there, she's on her grind, but she's one of the few that's kept my attention and after this short but satisfying set, I gotta say I'm rooting for this girl. I hope she blows up.
View blog reactions29 June 2007
Images from "The African Burial Ground Project"
This week, I took my first crack at acting, and though I can't say I've been bitten by the ubiquitous bug, I would love to do it again soon. I'm considering getting a serious education in acting.Abdel Salaam, a consultant on this film, directs a touring dance company that holds FREE classes every Tuesday in Harlem.
The African Burial Ground Project is a documentary in two parts: one, reconstruction the day-to-day lives of New York slaves living in the 1760s; two, the story of how the site in downtown New York was saved and memorialized to honor the souls of some 400 slaves buried there. We shot the film on Plattsburg Manor in Sleepy Hollow over the course of one week, braving heat, outrunning storms, stepping over mounds of animal doo doo, and otherwise channeling the power of history. Directed by Madison Davis Lacy and produced by Amaze Designs. The film will be presented inside the African Burial Ground Interpretative Center which is under construction and is slated to be completed in 2008.
I met some beautiful, talented, and passionate people who I hope to work with again in the future.
22 June 2007
Something's wrong with me...
It took me a bit, but I found him... "Mike the Hot Drummer". I can't believe I found this. I would be a little scared of me... probably more scared than flattered. What do I do with this? Begin my obsession anew? Such a stud, this one and so talented. *sigh*
15 June 2007
Meditation #5001 or It is possible to be everywhere always.
Earlier this week, a young black man selling comic books on a table in the underpass between the red line and the orange line at 14th Street sat me down and proceeded to perform some sort of good fortune spell he learned from an American Indian woman (so he said). Rakim, this handsome young man, rubbed a quarter on my hands and tickled my feet counting to 10 or 20 or 30, but not always. I can't say the intentions of this boy, but I've toyed with the possibility that I'm the only girl he thought to coax. Here was a young man so kind and pure of heart that he would thought a stranger might be in need some good fortune. It's also crossed my mind that this young man, with his folding table of maybe 50 or so neatly organized, plastic wrapped comics could also have some fetish tucked away from friends and lovers.
What I'm having trouble understanding why I let him do it... why I allowed a complete stranger hold my hands, touch my feet, sit me down and consider the validity of superstition. He told me not to wash my hands and not to spend the quarter he eventually handed to me. Sure I consider myself a street savvy kind of girl who'll know when to swing or which knee to use when the need becomes apparent. Generally, I'm a girl who can control herself... my emotions, my reactions, my words. But sometimes, like the time I took a ride from that junior high school kid from around the way with his constant eczema flare-up and a set of wandering hands... or my first time.... or that time I pushed that snotty white lady on the F train in the middle of am rush... sometimes I surprise myself and I can't find an explanation. Sometimes (less and less these days, I guess) I do things on a whim and I have analyze it in retrospect.
I like to think that my internal thought process has become quicker, sharper, and more accurate. I could tell in a matter of seconds whether this particular young man was going to rob me, or molest me, or whatever. Remembering the moments, the tunnel was bustling with people at half past midnight. I was wearing a floor length modest dress and an afro. He called me 'sis'. It's hard to take a grown ass man seriously when he's got a thing for cartoons. We struck a deal that if good things start coming my way in the next few weeks, I would find him and buy a comic book from him.
I believe in romance and finding the one and chance meetings and coincidences... and reoccurring events...
Someone once said of me: "She's always everywhere!" I took it as a bad thing... like something I do on purpose. Then I started to wonder if I do. This was back in my CalArts days and the boy's name was Mike. His face resembled that of previous obsessions and he was just as talented. "Mike the Hot Drummer" from Van Nuys, stoner, part jewish, with a teenaged sister, workaholic and might have been a Pisces. I know this because though I never said more than five words to him the entire school year, I had to know those tidbits. And now that I think about it, I've got the urge to hunt him down on Myspace or Facebook right now. I found out his campus mailbox number and left stupid haiku and bad pickup lines for him. I noted the time of day and day of the week when we crossed paths so that it would always happen. I buddied up with his buddies. I went to every gallery opening that he might be at. I wondered through the halls of the music department praying that I'd pass him. I found his practice room. I was always everywhere.
03 June 2007
On: Shedding
I met a Japanese photographer named Riichi Yamaguchi and he is a very nice fellow. I was very impressed by his work prior to this shoot (Google: Riichi Yamaguchi) and was even more impressed by his creative process. There was one other dancer in the group aside from myself who must have gotten Riichi's information from the DNA posting. The others came from various backgrounds and it seems they all decided to do it on a whim. I contacted Riichi with the hope of getting more involved in artistic modeling. I would like to be a muse to someone.
I wasn't sure what to expect, though I knew (and was very excited to know) that he required nudity for this shoot. Since baring my brown ass to thousands of people in AGORA II inside McCarren Pool (Greenpoint, Brooklyn) last fall, I've been itching to take it all off in public again as often as possible. I'd say that I come pretty close to peace sitting half lotus in the grassy yard behind my mothers house -- my inner exhibitionist welcoming the outdoors, enjoying the breeze and the sun and the space. I admit to finding the attention or the idea of being seen to be alluring, but I can also say I see beauty in the human body... no matter the complexion, shape, age, etc. It's something to be nourished and celebrated and loved and shown off. It's freeing to be naked and to be naked in front of people in a nonsexual context... no labels, no logos, no accessories, no pretension, just flesh and the senses and so much space... and union.
