Today was a muthaf*cking good day!

Good day beautious people!
I am in such a wonderful mood goddammit! I can bearly stand to look at myself! Will you look at all these exclamation points!! Life is great folks! Life is the shit!

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Spring Cleaning 2

No one might ever see this, but I'm haven't eaten and I'm thoroughly annoyed.

There is a lady in my life, who I would rather not have in my life. She gets under my skin. She brags and talks too much and is nosy and bossy and not a really genuine or nice person in my opinion. I want to surround myself with people that are greater than me, but because they actually are and not because they see themselves as greater. I like talented, educated people, with big dreams and who make those dreams happen. But those who are constantly flaunting their good luck or announcing they're "hard work" or always looking to get recognition and attention are supremely unattractive to me. Lack of humility and modesty are my absolute biggest annoyances. I don't want to sound like a hater, because I believe people deserve every bit of what they earn. And I think everyone gets their time to shine and you just have to recognize when your turn comes. I HATES ON NO MAN.

And my time is near. My energy is pulsing and my spirits are high. I have talents and goals and dreams and this great big life ahead of me, and I'm so tired of following. I want to lead, even if I'm solo. I'm tired of being scared and limiting myself. I'm OVER IT! I mean I feel blessed and grateful for my accomplishments, but I feel like those were too easy. i didn't have to work very hard for some of it. Even when I stressed and worried, in many cases, it was sheer luck... being at the right place at the right time.

I want to do great things because I worked hard to get to them. I'm tired of doing things just to do them.

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An Idiot's Guide to Fresher Lettuce (2007 Edition)

I made this list back in January. I've been successful at keeping most of the items at the front of my mind since it's inception, but I know my motitvation to complete the tasks will ebb and flow like my mood. They aren't ordered in any particular manner, though the first three items do hold greatest importance to me. I've decided that achieving them wiil have the greatest impact in my emotional well-being.


Properly grieve my father’s death
This fall will mark eight years since his passing, and yet I haven’t been able to rid myself of the secret depression I’ve felt all this time. I remember crying for a little bit and then suddenly coming to a point of acceptance. The following morning, I went to school. I sort of skipped all the clear mourning phases and continued on with life, bottling up my deep sorrow so as to appear strong. Stress manifests itself in my body as illness. The times when my sadness was on the verge of surfacing were the times I was most unhealthy. In the coming months, I will make up of for tears I forced myself not to shed.

Live life with true Integrity
It’s such a simple idea, yet so unbelievably difficult to act on! I think I’ve found the answer to happiness. Being honest, to myself in particular is a challenge for me sometimes. I demand absolute honesty from others, but I find myself hypocritically holding back to save an ego here, someone’s self-esteem there. Lying to myself, has led me to heartache on more than just a few occasions. I’m going to try and keep this concept in the front of my head as often as I can manage.


Become the type that attracts my type
It’s true that a woman should work on herself before attempting to find a mate. My ideal partner is financially independent, emotionally mature, creative/artistic, worldly, passionate about something and an all around good person. I imagine this person is looking for the same characteristics in his mate. I will begin a process of embodying these qualities, so that when he finds me, I’ll be ready for him :)

A page a day
I want to begin a daily ritual of vomiting everything that’s in my head – every idea, every dream, every thought—no matter how dark or ridiculous, every secret. A full page. More if I need to. So I can clear my mind and to see myself more realistically.

Be less available
People take you for granted when you’re always around. I’m going to postpone returning calls and emails, reject more invitations, just be more distant, more detached. I’m such a cling-on. It’s the Cancer in me.

Explore more
I want to change my view. I never go out anymore. I need to go on field trips to a museum or to a concert. Meet different people. Strike up a conversation with strangers every now and again about whatever moves me. I’m such an introvert. I want to be more outgoing in a non-obnoxious way. I want to take chances once in a while. Hop a turnstile maybe. Or maybe play my sax in the subway or do an impromptu performance piece in the middle of Bryant Park. Audition more. Ask a man to dinner. Be daring and dangerous for a once.

Rebuild My Savings
I was proud of my substantial savings at one point—so proud in fact that I couldn’t resist a bit of spreeing as a reward. Unfortunately, a rainy day came along and my just-in-case-and-then-some fund quickly depleted to less than half of its original amount :( I plan to create a budget that will limit my spending and replenish my newly christened emergency/independent woman fund.

Regain my Physical Strength
I know as a performer I won’t be retiring at 30, but the reality of time and age have begun to affect my body in ways I couldn’t fathom as a limber 16 year old. My muscles have lost their tone, pulling my bones and placement out of the ideal shape I worked so effortlessly to attain. I have to get back into class, work on some yoga or Pilates, before it becomes too frustrating to reverse the damage.

I think these 8 goals are absolutely with in my grasp. Twelve months from now, I will be unrecognizable and a few steps closer to a woman I can admire.

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One

I'm posting from the home office of Jane Goldberg in the Tribeca over looking Greenwich Street and the space where the World Trade Center towers once stood. Jane is the Artistic Director of Changing Times Tap Dancing Company, Inc. and my new boss. I'm not a seasoned blogger, but I frequently wrote in journals when I was a fragile teenager.

So this is the next wave huh? And here I am hopping right on this mofo, spilling my thoughts for you all to see, and to relate to and to maybe judge. It's good though. I need to release my demons!

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