Meditation #4,891 or Boys give me the wind

Since Phil, I assumed that my way of managing men and relationships are immature; that I have a lot to learn and that I will, at some point, come to an epiphany. I mean it's easier to talk logically about relationships when you're not in one or when you, as the only one in your crew running solo, are solicited for advice. When you're in that position, you see things relatively clearly – without the glare of love (or lust) or a haze of rage clouding your vision. I'd say that my ideas about romance and sex are realistic and my instincts are theoretically reliable... when I'm single.

It's when I'm involved with someone romantically that I throw my logic to the wind and immediately throw myself at his mercy! And without my brain to guide me, it always ends in certain disaster. The introvertedness and the self-consciousness and the second-guessing and worrying (geeeezus!), and the feet in my mouth and the apologizing and fantasizing... all against my better judgment and I always screw things up. I worry about whatever he might be, maybe, could be thinking (would be thinking if I could just figure him out) instead of the clear messages right in front of me, the reality of it all. And I forget about what I would want if I thought about it for a second: some sort of emotional attachment, maybe, outside of the physical; a bit of communication; honesty perhaps or even an inkling of interest in my day, my life, me… that would be nice.

Much easier said than done, because even when my instincts are right (and they always are), I don't follow. I may recognize them, but I just pretend that whatever feelings I have for a man (whether they are acknowledged or reciprocated, or not) are my more reliable compass. Unfortunately for me, I'm the type to follow a fellow's lead and so the more he seems interested in me, the more I fall for him even if he's absolutely not what I'm looking for, even if all the signs point to the exits, even if the first words out of his mouth on our first date is "I'm not looking for a girlfriend". (The fuck! And I says: "Hmm… but he doesn't really know me yet, and when he sees how rad I am, he'll be singing a whole other tune. I know it!") Eight months after Phil and his girl split, his ex-lady's name still shows up on the Caller-ID when he calls and her crap is all over the apartment, but I've never had a boyfriend so I can't tell if he's just running game, if the kisses and the twinkling eye gazing and the cuddling means anything or if I'm being too much hopeless romantic and not enough "girl, you should know better". I can't imagine that he put that much energy into every girl he's gone out with. It seems like I was just a replaceable body filling a space by his side :(

But, so now, my boss who's nearly 50 and menopausal and deeply depressed showed me exactly how I don't want to be in 30 years. She hasn't outgrown those bright-eyed 20-something ideas about men and it totally freaks me out! I'm like "SHIT! Lord have mercy on my fragile ego!" I can't take many more relationships like the last one… I'd rather not take any at all! I take full responsibility for its inception and failure, because I didn't think before I acted. I just worried and then followed.

Okay. Now, lesson learned? I sure hope so. It's taken me this long (6+ months) to get to a point where I could meditate on it and see it for what it was so that I could be happy for all the real good times we had. Now I know what bliss with my mate will be like :)

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